Memory of Love
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- 5 -
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It was after three when the police finally arrived.
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“I’ll just get him.” Leanne told them, when they asked for Ben. “Have a seat.” She ushered them into the formal lounge at the front of the house before going upstairs to Ben’s bedroom.
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Ben was asleep after all, a slight frown furrowing his brow. Leanne couldn’t resist reaching down to brush a strand of hair off his forehead, tracing the back of her hand down his cheek. The movement disturbed him and Leanne hastily removed her hand.
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“Ben. The police are here.” she said softly.
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Ben rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Yeah, right. I’ll be right down.”
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Leanne went back downstairs.
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“He’ll be right with you. Would you like some tea? Or coffee?” she enquired.
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“No, thank you, miss.” One of the officers replied, while the other shook his head.
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Ben came down a few minutes later, having changed into jeans and a sweatshirt and combed his hair.
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“Hello.” He shook hands with the two officers, who had stood up when he entered the room.
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“Please, sit down.” He waved his hand to one of the two sofas, seating himself on the other.
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Leanne made a cup of coffee and carried it across to Ben, pressing it into his hands with a reassuring smile. Ben gave her a faint smile in return.
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“I’ll be off now then.” she told him.
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Ben shot her a surprised glance. “No. Stay. Please.” His tone was polite, but his eyes were pleading. He was obviously in need of some moral support and Leanne couldn’t have refused the look in his eyes even if she’d wanted to.
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The police questioned Ben about his friendship, and working relationship, with Lui, about Lui’s movements over the last few days, and weeks, his personal relationships and about Ben’s thoughts on his mental state. Did he suffer from depression? Was he an alcoholic? Did he use drugs? Had there been a girl that might recently have finished with him that could have prompted him to attempt suicide? Or even a man?
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Ben glared at the officer. “What?” he growled.
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“It’s not unknown.” the officer replied. “Especially in your line of work.”
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“Definitely not.” Ben replied, his voice trembling. Leanne wasn’t sure if it was with anger, or emotion, or both.
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The officer turned to Leanne.
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“Did you know Mr. Gillespie, miss?”
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“Slightly.” Leanne replied.
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“What were your impressions of him?”
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Leanne looked from the officer to Ben and back again.
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“I didn’t know him very well. He always seemed… full of life.” She shrugged. “I have no idea what made him…” she trailed off, glancing nervously at Ben who was staring intently at a spot on the carpet.
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The police officers addressed some more questions to Ben before finally pocketing their notebooks and getting to their feet.
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“Thank you for your time, Mr. Gallagher.” said one.
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“I’ll show you out.” said Leanne, when Ben didn’t reply.
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When she returned to the lounge, Ben was sitting gazing out of the window, hugging a cushion.
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She crossed to the sofa and bent over the back of it, putting a hand on his shoulder.
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“Ben, I’m going to go home now. Will you be alright?”
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“Mmm?” Ben returned from his thoughts. “Oh, yeah.”
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“Call if you need anything.” she told him, straightening up and putting on her jacket before she gave in to the urge to fling her arms around him and declare her love for him.
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“Yeah.” Ben muttered, absently.
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As she reached the lounge door, Ben called, “Leanne.”
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She turned back to look at him, her heart jumping with love as she looked into his eyes. “Yes?”
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“Thanks.” Ben said quietly.
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He may not love her, she mused as she drove home, but he did appreciate her. That was a start.
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When she got home, she called Rowena to tell her what had happened.
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“That’s a shame,” said Rowena, “but I can’t say I’m totally surprised. The guy was a classic example of someone who couldn’t cope.”
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Leanne frowned. “Cope? With what?”
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“Success.”
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“I don’t understand.” said Leanne.
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Rowena sighed. “Lui struck me as a person walking on the edge. It wouldn’t have taken much to push him over. It could have been anything – a broken romance, or a family bereavement, such as Ben suffered. As it happens, I think it was success that did it. I don’t think he could deal with all the pressures that suddenly being thrust into the public eye can put on you, all the creeps that spring out of the woodwork wanting a piece of you. He probably wanted to run away from it all but felt trapped by his contract, so he took the only other solution he could think of.”
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Leanne thought about that for a moment. It was true Lui had seemed disturbed by his sudden popularity.
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“It’s a pretty drastic method of running away.” she told Rowena. “Why didn’t he just go to the producers and explain how he felt. Nothing’s worth killing yourself over.”
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“People don’t think rationally when they’re under pressure.” said Rowena. “And anyway, I doubt they would have been particularly sympathetic. They would probably have sued him if he’d told them he wanted to quit. They could probably have taken him for every penny he had.”
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“I guess so.” Leanne replied, thoughtfully.
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“How did Ben take it?” Rowena asked.
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“He’s very upset. He blames himself for not noticing anything was wrong.”
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“I can imagine.” said Rowena. “But he’ll be O.K. That guy is one of life’s survivors.”
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Leanne hadn’t been surprised by Rowena’s astute comments. Her talent for being able to size people up in just a few minutes was well known.
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The following few weeks were a nightmare for Ben. First, he’d flown to the States, where Lui’s body had been sent, at the request of his family, to attend his funeral, where his distraught parents had bombarded Ben with the same questions he had been asking himself. Why had Lui done it? Why hadn’t Ben, or anyone else, noticed something was wrong?
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“You were his friend. You should have helped him.” his tearful Mother had hurled at him, at their house, after the internment. “You should have helped him!” She broke off, sobbing, leaning into the shoulder of her husband who now appeared at her side.
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“I’m sorry. She’s upset.” Mr Gillespie had apologised, but Ben could see the same accusations written deep in his eyes.
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“I understand.” Ben nodded.
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As they turned away, Ben realised that everyone in the room had stopped speaking and were staring at him, obviously all thinking the same thing.
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Ben felt tears pricking his eyes and, turning sharply on his heel, he’d strode out of the house and gone back to his hotel where he’d packed his things and boarded the next available flight back to England.
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On his arrival, however, he’d found that the British press had been having a field day with Lui’s death. Nearly every paper and magazine he picked up sported articles on the reason’s for Lui’s suicide, and the future, if any, remaining for the t.v. series.
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Ben had been angry, and upset, to see Lui referred to as everything from a hopeless alcoholic and a manic depressive, to a secret gambler, drug addict and even a homosexual.
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The anger and frustration that the articles evoked in Ben, combined with the grief he felt at the loss of a friend and the guilt he harboured at not having noticed anything was wrong, a guilt which had been compounded by the hostility of Lui’s family, took its toll on Ben. He didn’t rant, or rave, shout, cry, or even talk about the turmoil of emotions boiling inside him, but withdrew inside himself as he brooded on them. Leanne knew that if he didn’t talk about his feelings soon, he would either blow up, or break down, and she wondered just how long it would be before either one happened. She didn’t have to wait long to find out.
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It was an afternoon of the following week when Ben had slammed into the house, striding past Leanne, who was sorting laundry for the washing machine, to sit down heavily on one of the stools at the breakfast bar, putting his elbows on the worktop and raking his hands up through his hair before covering his face with them and letting out a heavy sigh.
Leanne stopped what she was doing and turned to look at him.
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Ben removed his hands now, to gaze blankly down at the worktop.
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“I just decked a newspaper reporter.” he said angrily.
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Leanne crossed to the breakfast bar and sat down opposite him.
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“What happened?” she asked.
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Ben sighed, before beginning to relate what had happened. He had been coming out of the television studio, after a meeting about the future of the series, when he’d been pounced on by a reporter wanting to know the outcome of the meeting. Ben had no idea how he’d found out a meeting was taking place. He guessed he must have had a friend working at the studio.
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“I’m not at liberty to say.” Ben told him. “You’ll have to speak to the producers.”
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“Have they chosen a new co-star, or is the show to be scrapped?” the reporter persisted.
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“I told you. I’m not at liberty to discuss that.” Ben had snapped.
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The reported shrugged and tried a different line.
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“You haven’t said anything, publicly, about Lui Gillespie’s death. Is there any reason for that? Would you like to make a comment?”
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“No.”
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“Do you have any idea why he topped himself?” the reporter continued, continuously scribbling in his notebook as he spoke.
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“If I did, I wouldn’t be telling you.” snapped Ben. “The guy is dead. Period. What difference does it make how, or why, he died? It doesn’t change anything. Why can’t you just leave him be?” Ben shouted at the reporter, who seemed totally unperturbed by his outburst.
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“We know he didn’t have a steady girlfriend.” he continued. “Some say he was homosexual.” He looked up at Ben now. “Would you know anything about that?” he asked, raising a questioning eyebrow, the inference in his question obvious.
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The next thing he knew, he was on the receiving end of a punch from Ben that knocked him sprawling, his notebook and pencil flying in one direction, and his camera in the other.
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“Hey… you...!” the reporter struggled into a sitting position. “You can’t… do that.”
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“So, sue me.” Ben growled over his shoulder before striding away.
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“Oh, Ben.” Leanne shook her head as Ben finished telling her what happened. “That was a silly thing to do. You know what the press are like.”
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“Aw, he deserved it.” Ben snapped angrily.
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Leanne didn’t doubt that for one minute, but it wasn’t a good idea to go around flooring press reporters. It got one a very bad reputation, however justified the action might be. It was no more than Leanne had expected however. Inferring that Ben and Lui had been having a homosexual relationship would have been just the fuse to light the fire of his pent up emotions.
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“So, how did the meeting go?” Leanne changed the subject.
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Ben sighed, heavily. “They’re going to find a replacement.” He shook his head. “I don’t know if I want to carry on with it… it won’t be the same with a stranger.” He looked at Leanne now, his expression anguished. “Those parts were just made for us… fated even.” he added, remembering the previous co-star's sudden withdrawal. “It seems…” he sighed again, “…I don’t know… disrespectful somehow. I feel like they should just leave it where it finished.”
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Leanne nodded, understanding what he was trying to say.
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“But,” Ben shrugged, “they’ve got a contract to make two series. All they can see is dollars and cents. They aren’t interested in the ethics of it.”
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The following week, Ben announced that they had found a replacement for Lui’s role and that work would recommence the following Monday.
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“Oh? Who is he?” asked Leanne.
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“A guy called Mel Hickson.”
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“Do you think he’ll be suitable?”
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Ben’s expression clouded.
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“He looks like Lui.” He sighed. “A lot like Lui.” He shrugged. “He seems O.K. We’ll just have to wait and see. He’s coming over for lunch tomorrow so that we can go over a few things, ‘get to know each other’.” he added cynically, and Leanne guessed that that had been an instruction from the show’s director. “So, you’ll be able to see for yourself.” he told her.
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When Leanne returned from the supermarket the next day, she could hear voices from the lounge at the front of the house, which Ben kept for entertaining visitors.
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She went into the kitchen and began to store the groceries in the cupboards and freezer.
Presently, she heard the door open and then Ben came into the kitchen followed by his visitor.
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“Oh, hi Leanne.” he said, as she stepped back from behind a cupboard door. “I’d like you to meet Mel Hickson.” He waved a hand at the man standing by his side.
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“Mel, this is my housekeeper, Leanne Hamilton.”
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Mel extended his hand. “Pleased to meet you, Leanne.”
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Leanne looked from Mel to Ben and back again. Ben hadn’t been joking when he’d said that Mel looked a lot like Lui. He had the same golden brown hair, a little longer than Lui’s had been, but no doubt it would be cut and styled the way Lui’s had been, before they started filming, and a similar bone structure, although his eyes were more of a greenish colour than the brilliant blue ones of Lui’s, and his smile wasn’t quite as cheeky as Lui’s had been. Nevertheless, he looked enough like him to make Leanne’s stomach lurch as she’d looked at him and she understood why Ben had been so reluctant about him. It would be hard to work with this man, who looked so much like his friend and yet was a total stranger.
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Mel’s accent was English, as he spoke to her, but, as she was to find out, when she saw him in the show, he could do a very good American one.
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“You too.” Leanne smiled at him.
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Ben led Mel over to the shelves in the lounge and began searching for a book he wanted to show him. They sat down on the sofa and began talking.
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While Ben was friendly towards Mel, Leanne could sense his aloofness towards him. Having resigned himself to finishing the series, he obviously intended to keep his relationship with Mel purely on a professional level.
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After Mel left, Ben came into the lounge, opened the sliding doors and went out into the garden. He was gone for some time and, eventually, Leanne went outside to look for him. She found him leaning against a tree trunk, out of sight of the house, his arms folded, gazing into the distance.
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He didn’t hear Leanne approach and she stopped a few yards away, studying him. He looked so handsome as he stood there, the spring sunshine picking out the auburn glints in his dark hair and putting a golden glow in the bottomless pools of his eyes, Leanne felt a rush of love for him and wondered, again, how she was going to keep her feelings hidden from him.
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He was lost in thought, a sad expression in his eyes and before she realised it she’d crossed to him and put a hand on his shoulder.
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“Are you alright?” she asked
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Ben returned from his thoughts and turned his gaze to hers.
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“Mmm?”
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“You’ve been out here for ages. Are you alright?”
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Ben shrugged and then sighed.
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“I really don’t think I can do this.” He shook his head. “I just can’t seem to raise any enthusiasm. And Mel is so like Lui...” he sighed. “I can’t explain it. I just don’t feel I can do it.”
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“I understand how you feel.” said Leanne. “I found it disturbing, when I saw Mel, too.
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Ben nodded, slowly, his thoughts elsewhere.
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“I wish I knew what made him do it.” he said presently, in reference to Lui’s suicide.
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“Probably a lot of things.” said Leanne, remembering what Rowena had said. “There’s a lot of pressures in your business. Some people can’t cope with them. I guess Lui was one of them.”
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“Pressure?” Ben snorted. “He’d never had it so good.” He gave a cynical laugh. “Most people in this business would be only too pleased to have a dose of that sort of pressure.” He shook his head. “For once in his life he had everything – fame, money, job security, well, for a couple of years at least, the opportunity to branch out into other things - all the things most people want out of life, if they’re honest, whatever job they’re in.”
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Most people, yes, but not all,” Leanne put in, “and none of those things can guarantee happiness. Maybe Lui found that out. He didn’t seem to enjoy all that P.R. stuff. Perhaps, once he’d got there, he was disillusioned with the reality of being ‘at the top’. After all, its not a very pleasant business, is it?”
"No," Ben agreed, "but... to kill yourself..."
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“Perhaps he couldn’t see any other way. Perhaps he didn’t want to be at the top, but didn’t want anything else either.” She looked at Ben now. “How do you deal with that?”
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Ben sighed, thoughtfully. “I don’t know.”
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“You’re lucky.” Leanne told him. “You’re a very level headed person. You enjoy the lifestyle. You can handle things. I don’t think Lui could.”
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Ben grunted. “I’m not handling this too well.”
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“Lui was your friend. It’s natural you should be upset about his death. But you’ll handle it, the same way you’ll handle doing the show.”
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“How do you know?” Ben raised a questioning eyebrow.
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“Because you’re a professional.”
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A slight smile touched the corners of his mouth.
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“You’ve got more faith than I have.”
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Leanne smiled. “Trust me.”
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Ben eyed her for a moment before giving a wry shrug.
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And so, the following week, Ben had gone back to work. The first couple of weeks had been hard. Mel had studied tapes of Lui’s performances and had done his homework well. He had a adopted some of Lui’s mannerisms, and even his American accent was similar, and now that he’d had his hair cut and styled like Lui’s you had to look twice before you realised it wasn’t him.
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Working with him had cut Ben to the bone but, somehow, he’d got through it. He was a bit offhand with Mel, but Mel was aware of Ben and Lui’s friendship and made allowances for his aloof manner. Gradually, however, Ben began to settle down. His enthusiasm for his work returned and he began to relax a little and, although he didn’t allow himself to become involved with Mel socially, at work they grew quite good friends.
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Leanne, however, had problems of her own. Hiding her new found feelings from Ben was becoming increasingly difficult. Whenever she was in the same room with him, her eyes followed him everywhere. At night, she dreamed of no-one but him and, when she wasn’t with him, her thoughts were constantly of him, wondering where he was and what he was doing.
She lost all interest in dating other men, turning down all offers that came her way, preferring to stay at home with good book rather than go out with someone and be wishing all evening that that someone was Ben. She was obsessed, and she knew it, but she couldn’t help herself.
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When, a couple of months later, Ben began dating again, her jealousy had been almost uncontrollable. She decided she would have to leave, find herself another job and try to forget Ben. He obviously didn’t feel anything for her other than friendship so she couldn’t tell him how she felt without looking like a complete fool, and she didn’t intend to do that a second time. Neither could she carry on working for him having to listen to him telling her all a bout his latest conquests.
However, when she told Ben that she was planning to leave, he had been horrified.
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“But, why?” he’d asked, a frown of concern on his face. “Don’t you like working for me? Have I offended you in any way? Because, if I have, I didn’t mean to.”
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“No, it’s not that...”
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“Then what?” Ben had asked.
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Leanne hadn’t known what to tell him. She couldn’t very well say ‘I love you and I can’t stand that you don’t feel the same’, and she had no other reason to give him. He’d always behaved impeccably towards her and he paid her a generous salary.
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“You’ve found another job?” Ben’s voice had cut into her thoughts.
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Another job. Yes, that would do.
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“Yes. Well, actually… I wasn’t looking… I was recommended by a friend.” she faltered.
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“Secretarial work?” Ben asked.
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Leanne nodded.
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“More money?”
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“A little.” Leanne had replied, hoping that Ben wouldn’t sense she was lying. “Good promotion prospects too.” she added.
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“I see.” Ben hadn’t been able to hide the disappointment in his voice. He got up and went into the kitchen to fetch a can of beer from the fridge, opening the can and taking a sip before turning to face her.
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“I can’t blame you for wanting to get back to your career, especially if you’ve got a chance of promotion. Keeping house for me has got to be a bit boring for someone with your academic skills, but I really wish you’d reconsider.”
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“Rowena can soon find you a new housekeeper.” Leanne told him, feeling suddenly sick at the thought of another woman here, instead of her, handling Ben’s things, talking to him, laughing with him, loving him even, if she happened to be tall and blonde.
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“I know, but we’ve built up a good relationship this past couple of years.” said Ben. “I trust you. You’re my friend.” He sighed heavily. “I know I have no right to ask but, please, won’t you reconsider?” His baleful brown eyes bored into hers, and Leanne’s resolve had crumbled.
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“Alright. I’ll think about it.” she’d replied, cursing herself for being so weak. But, that night, as she thought about it, she knew she couldn’t leave. He didn’t love her in the romantic sense, but he obviously liked, and trusted her and regarded her as his friend. When she thought about some of her married friends who didn’t trust their partners, or who had sexual chemistry but little else in common with each other, she realised that, in many ways, she was luckier than they.
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She contemplated what leaving would mean. He might suggest they stay in touch, but it wouldn’t be the same. They would lose the closeness they shared now and eventually drift apart, as friends often did. Leanne couldn’t bear the thought, and decided that, as painful as it was, she would stay, and carry on being his friend.
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“Great!” Ben had looked pleased when she told him. “Listen, I’ll pay you whatever extra you were going to get if you’d taken the job.” he added.
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“Don’t worry about it. It was only a few pounds.” Leanne muttered, feeling guilty for misleading him.
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“You’re worth it.” Ben told her.
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Leanne returned from her thoughts and looked at the clock. It was three thirty in the morning and she still hadn’t closed her eyes, her mind too full of memories, and concern for Ben, to sleep.
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She sighed. It had been just two years since she’d made that decision to carry on working for Ben. Looking back, she wondered if she should have been stronger, and left. She would have saved herself a considerable amount of heartache, both of her own and Ben’s, if she had.
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Her thoughts turned briefly onto more immediate problems. What about the show? They were right in the middle of shooting. Heaven only knew what sort of problems Ben’s accident was going to cause the television company. At the earliest, it was going to be two months, well into October, before Ben would be able to work. That was assuming he regained consciousness, and all his faculties. If he didn’t… Leanne pushed the thought from her mind.
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Did they even know about the accident, she wondered. No-one had been to the hospital while she’d been there. She didn’t even have a contact number for them to let them know. She made a mental note to look into that the next morning. Then there was her own job to consider. Should she carry on as normal, or what? If Ben was in the hospital for a long time, or worse… she shuddered at the thought, would she get paid? She hated to think of money at a time like this, but she had no other income coming in. She had no idea what arrangements Ben had made regarding payment of her salary, whether it was an ongoing agreement with the bank, or if he authorised it each month. If Ben was indisposed for a long time, and she didn’t get paid, she would have to find other work, and soon.
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