No Regrets
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- 3 -
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After nine months at the Institute, Doctor Deveraux told Lom that he considered they’d done all they could for Joshua and that he was about ready to be discharged.
He had regained full use of his body except for a slight drag to his leg when he was tired, but Doctor Deveraux was hopeful that with the exercise programme he had devised for him, that too would disappear in time. He could write reasonably well, and speak almost normally, although he still struggled with complicated vocabulary and still had several gaps in his memory which only time would tell if he would ever recover.
“Have you told him?” asked Lom, grinning broadly at the news.
“Not yet. He should be about ready to leave by the time you next visit. Are you going to take him back to your place?”​
“For now.” said Lom, “Until he works out where he wants to go from here.”
“Then I’ll tell him a couple of days beforehand.” said the doctor as he poured them both a drink, “Don’t want to excite him too soon. He still needs a bit more work on that leg. It’s still pretty weak.” He handed Lom a glass, “He’s done amazingly well though. To have reached this level of recovery in nine months is quite outstanding.”
“He’s a very determined man.” said Lom.
“So I’ve discovered.” smiled the doctor, “We’ll miss him when he goes. He’s quite a character.”
When Lom arrived back in Porterville, he went over to the Baxter’s farm expressly to tell the Kid the news.
‘That’s good news.” the Kid acknowledged.
Lom nodded. “I‘ll be able to bring him back on my next visit in three weeks.” He told him. When the Kid made no reply, Lom said, “You will come over won’t you?”
The Kid’s expression clouded.
“For God’s sake, Kid, how long are you gonna keep this up? What are you going to do? Never see him again?”
“Of course not.” The Kid sounded indignant.
‘Then I’ll expect to see you.” growled Lom, turning and walking away.
Three weeks Later, Lom returned to Cheyenne to collect Heyes from the Institute.
He was, naturally, excited, at the prospect of leaving, but at the same time sad to leave everyone he’d come to know and rely on these past months, and also apprehensive about re-entering the outside world.
He spoke little as they left Cheyenne, but seemed to perk up when they made their evening camp, although Lom noticed he didn’t ask about the Kid, and he chose not to mention him either, not sure what to say to explain the Kid’s behaviour. Let him explain it himself, he decided.
They arrived back at Lom’s early the following evening. Lom fixed them an early supper and then Heyes turned in, tired after the long journey.
He enjoyed the luxury of sleeping in late after the months of regimented routine at the Institute – up at 7.00am, breakfast at 8.00am, exercises, lunch at 1.00pm, more exercises, afternoon tea at 3.00pm, then a couple of hours leisure time before supper at 6.00pm and then lights out at 10.00pm prompt.
When he rose at 9.00am, he and Lom enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, chatting about Heyes’ time at the Institute and laughing over old times when they’d all ridden together as outlaws, although Heyes had lost the memory of quite a few things that they’d done.
“Do you remember that time when that guy … oh God, what was his name?... I can’t recall … Harry something-or-other I think it was… he was an old ‘associate’ of yours … kidnapped the Kid and used him to blackmail you into robbing a bank for him?” Lom asked.
Heyes frowned. “No,” He shook his head, “I don’t. What happened?”
“He kidnapped the Kid and held him hostage, threatening to kill him if you didn’t do the robbery. The bank had a P&H ’78 safe, a model that had only ever been blown once, by you, and you were reluctant to do the job because the authorities would know straight away who’d done it, and any chance you had for the amnesty would have been lost, so you… ” Lom broke off, chuckling to himself, “you sewed an alarm clock into the base of the bag that he was going to take the money in, and after the robbery you told him it was a bomb and that only you could disarm it, and that it would blow the money and him sky high if he went near it.”
“I did?” Heyes looked amused.
​
“Yep.” grinned Lom, “Then you and Kid took him into the Sheriff, posing as two deputies working for me. You told him that you two looked like Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry and that he was going to try to convince him of that to try and get away with it. The deputy knew me and wouldn’t believe a word he said, so you returned the money and avoided getting the blame for the robbery.” Lom snapped his fingers, “Waggoner… that was his name. Harry Waggoner.” Lom shook his head, “I must say, I wish I could have been there to see his face.
“I wish I could remember his face.” quipped Heyes, and they both burst out laughing​.
‘When was that?’ Heyes asked presently.
‘Oh… I guess it must have been six or seven years ago.’ said Lom.
“It’s odd,” Heyes’ expression became serious once again, “that I can remember things from when I was a kid, but not stuff from the recent past.”
“That happens with everyone.” said Lom, “It’s not just because of your illness. I can’t remember what I did last week, yet I can remember back when I was a child like it was yesterday.”
“I guess.” agreed Heyes.
Later, Heyes went off to do the exercises that Doctor Deveraux had given him in order to stimulate his muscle responses, while Lom prepared lunch. He had taken the day off work to help Heyes settle in, not sure how much he remembered about the times he’d stayed at Lom’s in the past, or how he would feel about being there alone after living with dozens of people at the Institute for all these months. But he seemed reasonably well adjusted, and indeed, to be enjoying having no-one around and being able to please himself if, and when, he did anything.
After lunch Heyes took himself off for a walk out to a nearby copse where a narrow stream wound it’s way down from the hills. He sat by the stream for some time, enjoying the peace and tranquillity, watching the sunlight dapple through the trees, thanking God he was still alive to see it, thinking about the past, his time at the Institute and the future.
He arrived back at the cabin late in the afternoon.
“Enjoy your stroll?” asked Lom from a chair on the porch where he was reading a book.
“Yeah.” Heyes nodded, “It was very peaceful.”
Lom nodded. “I’ll bet. Especially after all the hustle and bustle at the Institute.” He got to his feet, “Come on, I’ll fix some coffee and then see about supper.”
Heyes followed him inside and sat down at the table, chatting about nothing in particular while Lom brewed some coffee.
Presently the sound of horse’s hooves met their ears. Lom crossed to the window and looked out, only vaguely surprised to see the Kid approaching.
“We have company.” he said to Heyes, “It’s the Kid.”
Lom headed outside to greet him as he pulled up.
“Hi.” He said as the Kid dismounted, “I was wondering when you’d get here.”
“I wasn’t sure when you’d get back.” The Kid replied nervously, repositioning his hat on his head and stepping up onto the porch.
“We got back yesterday evening.” said Lom.
“How is he?” the Kid asked, his tone sheepish.
As Lom opened his mouth to reply, Heyes appeared in the doorway. Though his expression was passive, Lom could see a sudden look of fury in his eyes, as he looked at the Kid, mixed with contempt and disdain.
“Oh... Hi… ” stammered the Kid, looking uncomfortable under Heyes’ penetrating stare.
“I’ll show you how I am.” Heyes growled, and with that, promptly swung a punch at the Kid. The blow caught him unawares, pitching him off the porch and sending him sprawling to the ground.
Lom’s eyebrows raised in surprise, although he couldn’t help but think that the Kid deserved it.
Heyes turned on his heel and disappeared back inside the cabin while Lom stepped off the porch and bent to help the Kid to his feet.
“You did rather ask for that.” He told him, holding his arm to steady him as he swayed dizzily, holding his jaw, “You O.K.?”
“Mmm.” The Kid nodded, “Ouch.” He flinched as he touched the spot where Heyes had hit him.
“Well, I guess he proved he’s recovered.” said Lom with an amused smile.
“Yeah.” agreed the Kid, picking up his hat and dusting himself off with it.
“So, what now?” asked Lom.
The Kid sighed. “I guess I’m going to have to try and explain myself.” His expression clouded, “I don’t know how… I can’t explain it to myself...”
“Go for it ” Lom slapped his shoulder reassuringly, seeing the apprehension in his eyes. He gave him a small push in the direction of the cabin as he seemed to be rooted to the spot.
Slowly, the Kid stepped up onto the porch and entered the doorway. Heyes was seated on the edge of one of two armchairs that Lom kept by the hearth, staring into the fire that Lom had just lit ready for the evening. He looked angry, but at the same time sad, and hurt, and the Kid was suddenly overcome with shame and remorse for the way he’d behaved. He crossed the room, stopping a couple of feet from the chair.
“I’m sorry, Heyes.” he said quietly.
A stony silence was Heyes’ reply.
“Heyes?” the Kid prompted.
“Is that it?” Heyes growled, not looking at him.
“Huh?” the Kid looked confused
“‘I’m sorry?’ Is that supposed to make everything O.K?” Heyes growled.
“W-well… I...” stammered the Kid, but Heyes cut him off.
“Well it doesn’t.” he snapped, “It doesn’t come anywhere near.”
The Kid just stood there, knowing there was nothing he could say to make up for the way he’d behaved.
Heyes hook his head to himself.
“I’ve been through hell these last months.” he said, “If ever I needed any support, it was then.”
The Kid flinched mentally at Heyes’ remark. He had often accused Heyes of being too self sufficient because he seemed to have no need to attach himself to anyone, and the Kid had always had a nagging doubt that Heyes only stuck with him because he felt obligated to look after him after their parents’ deaths and not because he felt any particular fondness for him, or needed the company.
“If it hadn’t been for Lom… I wouldn’t have seen anybody from the outside world…” Heyes broke off, his voice faltering as the emotions he’d kept locked away while he’d fought to regain his health suddenly began to well up in him.
“I’m sorry.” the Kid repeated.
“Doesn’t our friendship mean anything to you?” Heyes asked, as he regained control of his voice.
“Of course it does.” the Kid retorted.
Heyes turned to look at him. “Then where were you?” he demanded angrily.
“I…” the Kid began, shifting nervously from one foot to the other, “I… I just… couldn’t. I felt like… it was all my fault… I thought I’d ruined your life… I... thought you’d hate me… I…” he broke off as Heyes got to his feet and moved to stand in front of him, his eyes full of contempt. The Kid took an involuntary step backwards, half expecting him to hit him again.
“Me, me, me!” Heyes mocked. “Just listen to yourself.” He shook his head, “And you had the nerve to call me self-centred! That’s like the p-pot calling the k-kettle black…” He paused, struggling, in his agitated state, to get his words out, “I may not
n-need people,” he continued, “but I don’t turn my back on people who might need me.” he hissed at him, as a deliberate reminder of how he had come to support him after Laura’s death.
“No, no...” the Kid shook his head, “It’s not like that. It tore me apart to think that you might be left a cripple because of me… I couldn’t face seeing you like that… “
Heyes stared at him for a moment before saying. “Is that the only reason you’re here now? Because I’ve recovered? What if I hadn’t? Would I have never seen you again?” he growled.
The Kid’s jaw fell open. He hadn’t thought of it in that way, but now that it had been put to him he was ashamed to realize the possibility.
On seeing his expression, Heyes shook his head in disbelief.
“H-how dare you…” he choked, so wound up with anger, and emotion, and the physical effort of trying to speak without getting tongue tied, he was shaking. He shook his head, “There aren’t too many people in this world I’d count on… but I thought you… of all people… were one.” His tear filled eyes looked at the Kid as though he was seeing a stranger, and as much as the Kid wanted to deny it, to reassure him that he was wrong, that if he needed him he’d be there, he couldn’t find the words.
“Obviously I was wrong.” croaked Heyes, taking the Kid’s silence as concurrence.
“W-well… thanks for coming,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “but do me a favour… and get the hell out of my life.
F-friends like you I can do without…” he broke off abruptly, choked by the emotions he’d held in check all these months, and deeply wounded by what he saw as a betrayal by his closest friend.
The Kid’s head snapped up, shocked by Heyes’ words.
“Heyes..?” He began, but Heyes shook his head, backing away from him and patting the air in front of him with one hand as a warning for him not to come any nearer or try to reason with him.
“Just… just go away… I don’t ever want to see you again.” He choked, his voice shaking as he fought a losing battle to control his emotions. He turned and hurried away, leaving the Kid with an expression of shock and anguish on his face.
Slowly, he sank down onto the chair that Heyes had just vacated, feeling sick. His stupidity had destroyed his relationship with his only true friend, the closest person to a family he’d ever had, and he still couldn’t explain what had made him behave the way he had. He and Heyes had been each other’s Father, Mother and Brother, nearly all of their lives, and now Heyes had shunned him, as the ultimate betrayer, and the worst thing was that he knew he deserved it.
Hurrying out of the cabin Heyes collided with Lom who had been hovering out on the porch, not wanting to intrude on them.
“Whoah!” gasped Lom as they grabbed onto each other to stop themselves falling over. Then, seeing Heyes’ expression. “What’s wrong?”
Heyes shook his head and tried to push past him, wanting to get away before he lost control. But Lom held onto his arm.
“Heyes, what’s wrong?” he asked again.
Heyes wrenched free from Lom’s grip and sat down heavily on the porch step, covering his face with his hands, his shoulders beginning to shake as the stress and anguish of the last nine months, which had been brought to a head by his emotional meeting with the Kid, overcame him.
“Hey...” Lom sat down by him and put an arm around his shoulder, “Come on now. Don’t upset yourself. What’s happened?” but Heyes was too overcome to speak.
A few moments later, the Kid came out of the cabin, his face ashen, his arms hanging limply at his side, looking as though he were in deep shock as he walked dazedly across the porch.
“Kid?” Lom called, as he walked past him, but the Kid ignored him, stepping off the porch and beginning to walk away, shocked, and as deeply wounded by Heyes’ words as much as if he’d physically attacked him.
Lom frowned. He had expected there to be an argument – he knew how hurt Heyes had been that the Kid hadn’t visited him even though he hadn’t said anything – but from their reactions, something far more serious had taken place between them.
“Heyes, the Kid’s leaving.” He told him.
When Heyes didn’t respond, Lom grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look at him.
“Heyes.” he shook him, “The Kid’s leaving. What happened? What did you say to him?”
“I… told him… to go.” Heyes ground out.
“What?” gasped Lom, “But, why? Not just because he didn’t visit you?” Heyes didn’t answer, his head bowed, his shoulders still shaking with emotion.
Lom looked from Heyes to the Kid’s receding figure and back again, his mind in a whirl. Heyes was generally of a placid, easy going disposition, seldom moved to anger or violence. But, on the rare occasions he did lose his temper, he had a vicious tongue, and from the Kid’s reaction he had obviously used it to devastating effect, and as Lom turned to look at the Kid, he knew instinctively that if he left now, he would never return.
“If he leaves now, you’ll never see him again.” he told Heyes urgently, “Is that what you want? I know he was wrong not to visit you, and I know you’re angry and hurt, but is it worth this? After all the years you’ve been together? After all you’ve been through? He wouldn’t have hurt you on purpose. You should know that. But he was so… grief stricken... over Laura and the baby, he wasn’t thinking straight. And then he blamed himself for you getting hurt and he just couldn’t handle it.” He glanced at the Kid who had walked past his horse and was heading dejectedly towards the road, not seeming to know, or care, where he was going.
“I don’t know what you said to each other in there… but don’t let it end like this.” he pleaded urgently, “You’ll both regret it.” He waited for Heyes to say something, “Heyes?” he questioned when he didn’t reply.
Heyes’ eyes shifted to the Kid’s receding figure and Lom could see the uncertainty in their depths. Part of him wanted to go after him, but the anger and hurt he felt was getting in the way. All he could think of was that the Kid had abandoned him in his hour of need, and would have abandoned him completely if he had been left crippled.
But, even in his highly emotional state, he knew that, after what he’d just said in the cabin, if the Kid left now he would indeed never see him again and, despite being deeply hurt by his actions, he didn’t want it to end like this. It would be difficult to work things out, but they owed it to each other to try.
He clambered to his feet and began walking after him, his pace quickening when he realized how much distance there was between them.
Lom watched worriedly, as the limp, that became evident when Heyes was tired or, like now, he tried to move faster than his damaged brain could respond, threatened to trip him up. He began walking after them in case one of them should need assistance.
“Hey.” Heyes called, as he got nearer to the Kid, but he didn’t respond.
“Wait.” Heyes grabbed his arm as he caught him up, almost tripping over and knocking him down also.
The Kid turned to look at him with bleak eyes, searching his face for a sign that he hadn’t meant what he’d said, for a sign that he forgave him. But all he could see was bitterness and anger.
“What?” he said, when Heyes didn’t speak, his voice flat.
Heyes opened his mouth and then closed it again, unable to bring himself to ask him not to go.
The Kid raised his hands and raked them through his hair in anguish before turning and beginning to walk away once more. After a few paces he felt Heyes’ hand on his arm once more.
“What?” The Kid sounded desperate now, confused by Heyes’ actions. He’d told him to go, and there was a look bordering on hatred in his eyes, yet he was trying to prevent him from leaving.
“Don’t play games with me, Heyes.” he said in a trembling voice, “You just told me to get out of your life. Now you’re trying to stop me leaving. What do you want?”
Heyes said nothing.
The Kid gave an anguished sigh, his fists clenched in frustration. “Do you accept my apology?” he asked, “I can’t stay if you don’t. It would always be between us.”
Heyes stared at the floor, refusing to reply.
“Do you accept my apology?” repeated the Kid.
Still Heyes refused to answer.
The Kid shook his head and gave a tremulous sigh, raising his eyes to the sky and raking his hands through his hair once more.
“What more can I say to you?” he asked, his voice hoarse with emotion, “I’ve said I’m sorry… but it’s not enough is it?” He shook his head, “I don’t know what else I can do. If I could go back and change things, I would. But I can’t. All I can say is I’m sorry.” He broke off as his voice faltered, “I-I’m sorry...” he repeated, turning away and lifting a hand to his face as he tried to contain his emotions.
Heyes remained staring at the ground, his emotions in turmoil.
Just then Lom approached them.
“I don’t know what you two said to each other in there, but you’ve been together too long to let your friendship end like this. You owe it to each other to at least try and work things out, and I know that deep down you both feel the same. Otherwise” he looked at the Kid now, “Heyes wouldn’t have come after you,” he turned back to look at Heyes, “and he wouldn’t have stayed.” he pointed towards the Kid, “Now, both of you, come on inside and calm yourselves down, and then you can try and talk it through rationally. O.K.?” He looked from one to the other. Neither agreed, but neither protested, and so Lom got between them and, taking one each of their arms, escorted them back to the cabin.
Heyes stared straight ahead, his expression anguished, tears still damp on his cheeks, while the Kid bowed his head, periodically wiping his face with the sleeve of his shirt. Neither spoke, to Lom or each other.
Back at the cabin, Lom seated them at the kitchen table and gave them both a stiff scotch.
He then sat down at the end of the table and studied them.
The Kid was slumped back in his chair, gazing pensively into his glass. Heyes, sitting opposite to him, his back ramrod straight, arms folded defensively on the table top, gazed fixedly out of a window at rightangles to him so that he wouldn’t have to look at the Kid. The atmosphere between them was thick enough to cut with a knife.
Presently Lom said. “Are you ready to talk now?”
Heyes ignored him. The Kid gave a vague shrug.
Lom sighed. “Will you two please talk to me.” he snapped, “I don’t know what the hell is going on here.” He turned his gaze on Heyes, “O.K. So the Kid behaved badly, but he’s been under a lot of stress, and he has apologized.” Then he turned his gaze to the Kid, “I know he hit you, and I don’t even want to hazard a guess at what he said to you just now, but you know he had good reason to be mad. Can’t you just let it go at that?” he glanced across at Heyes and then back at the Kid.
“It’s not as simple as that.” muttered the Kid, his voice hoarse.
“Why?” demanded Lom.
The Kid glanced at Heyes before lowering his gaze, refusing to say anything further.
“Heyes?” Lom turned his attention back to him.
“Just leave it, Lom.” muttered Heyes, his gaze still fixed on the window.
“I’ll ‘leave it’ when you two start talking to each other.” Lom growled.
“We’ve said all there is to say.” Heyes muttered under his breath.
“No, you haven’t.” said Lom, “You both wouldn’t be sitting here otherwise. I’m going to leave you alone now, and I want you to talk this thing through until you get it straightened out. Even if it takes all night. O.K?” He glanced from one to the other.
“O.K?” he repeated firmly when neither of them spoke.
He received a vague nod from the Kid and a dismissive shrug from Heyes.
“O.K.” said Lom, “Start talking.” Getting to his feet, he went into his room, where he tackled some paperwork from his office and then read a book for half an hour before undressing and climbing into bed.
For a long time there was silence from the other room, but eventually, they began to talk, stiltedly at first, sitting up late into the night as they tried to explain their feelings. Lom lay awake listening to their muffled voices through the door. Sometimes they shouted at each other, at others they were both speaking at once as one tried to bend the other to his point of view. Sometimes their voices were choked by emotion and at others they were barely a whisper. Periodically one of them would thump the table and several times Lom heard one of the chairs scrape and footsteps pacing the room as one or other of them left the table in exasperation.
Lom heard the Kid go to bed at 3.00am, recognizing his step as he went into the other bedroom, but he’d fallen asleep long before Heyes retired.
* * *
​
Lom was just finishing his breakfast the next morning when the Kid entered the room.
“Morning.” Lom eyed him as he crossed to the stove to pour some coffee.
“Morning.” the Kid replied quietly, picking up the mug of coffee and sitting down at the table opposite Lom.
“You O.K?” Lom asked, noting the shadows of fatigue under his eyes.
The Kid nodded, not looking at him.
“Did you get it all sorted out last night?”
The Kid shrugged. “We agreed that we went back too far to just walk away … but we’ve got some bridges to mend.”
“I’m sure you’ll manage.” smiled Lom.
“Maybe.” muttered the Kid, “I know I behaved badly, and it was understandable that he’d be angry… but… he said some pretty terrible things yesterday…” he trailed off remembering Heyes’ verbal attack on him on his arrival and later, when Heyes had accused him of hypocrisy in telling him that he had no feelings for anyone and was self centred, when all the time he’d avoided visiting him at the Institute was to spare his own guilt feelings rather than from any concern for Heyes, which the Kid had strongly denied, although, deep down, he knew that there was an element of truth in his words. Heyes had also stingingly told him that he didn’t see how he could ever trust him again now that he knew the Kid would have abandoned him if he had been left a cripple.
“… I don’t know if we can put it behind us.” The Kid took a sip of his coffee, his face troubled. He understood Heyes’ feelings, but he was resentful because Heyes couldn’t, or wouldn’t, understand his. The Kid was prepared to forgive Heyes for the way he’d spoken to him yesterday, because he knew that he had good reason to be angry, but only if Heyes was prepared to extend the same forgiveness to him and at the moment, he didn’t seem willing, or able, to do so, and unless it went both ways, the Kid couldn’t see how their friendship could survive.
“Well, don’t give up without trying.” Lom told him, “You’ve got too much between you to give up without a fight.”
“I guess.” The Kid replied, without much conviction.
Heyes got up just over an hour later. He looked like death warmed up when he sat down at the table and Lom guessed that the tiring trip from Cheyenne combined with the stress of their argument and his late night, on top of the mental and physical effort he’d put into his recovery these past few months, had taken a huge toll on him. Outwardly, his recovery looked almost 100%, apart from his partial memory loss, and a slightly slower response time in his actions, but his system would have been irrevocably weakened and would leave him susceptible to illness and physical problems if he didn’t look after himself properly.
“You look terrible.” Lom told him as he placed a plate of bacon and eggs in front of him.
“I don’t feel too good.” Heyes admitted.
“It’s all this upset.” Lom told him, “You may think you’re recovered, but it’s going to affect your system for a long time, and you need to take care of yourself.”
“I’ll be alright.” replied Heyes.
“Eat.” commanded Lom, pointing at the breakfast he’d placed in front of him.
“I don’t think I can.” said Heyes, eyeing the food with a sick expression.
“Yes you can.” Lom replied firmly, “You need to keep your strength up.”
Reluctantly Heyes began to eat.
“Where is he?” he asked presently, referring to the Kid.
“Gone into town for some groceries for me,” Lom told him, “and to leave word with my deputy that I won’t be in for a day or two. Then he’s going over to the farm.” Lom studied him momentarily, wondering whether to risk asking him about their discussion the previous night, worried it might antagonize him even more.
“He looked like hell this morning too.” he said finally, “It must have been some session you had last night?”
“Yeah.” Heyes replied, without looking at him.
“And did you reach an amicable conclusion?”
Heyes shrugged, pushing his barely touched breakfast aside. “We agreed that we’d been through too much together to give up without at least trying to patch things up.” he said, drawing a smile from Lom. He’d used almost the same words that the Kid had.
“But it won’t be easy.” Heyes continued, “I don’t think things can ever be the same between us.”
“Why shouldn’t they be?” asked Lom, “Isn’t that what you both want? You wouldn’t have gone after him yesterday it if wasn’t, and he wouldn’t have stayed.”
Heyes shrugged. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why?” asked Lom, “Not visiting you isn’t much of a reason to break up a lifelong friendship. You hurt him too you know. He told me you said some harsh things to him. And you hit him.” He added pointedly.
“It’s not just that he didn’t visit.” said Heyes, “It’s… knowing that if I’d been left an… invalid… he’d have walked away for good.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.” said Lom.
“He didn’t deny it.” Heyes said flatly.
Lom’s mouth formed a surprised ‘O’ at his remark.
“He’s supposed to be my best friend. My partner. If he could do that… who is there left for me to trust?” Heyes turned baleful eyes to Lom’s, “Whatever happened to him, I’d never abandon him. I thought it went both ways.”
“I’m sure you’re wrong.” Lom found his voice, “Don’t forget, he’s still pretty messed up over Laura. He’s not thinking rationally. He’s been worried sick about you.” He shook his head, “He may have been afraid to visit you, but his thoughts were with you, and I’m sure, if you’d needed him, he’d have been there.”
“I did.” said Heyes, “He wasn’t.”
“No, you didn’t.” said Lom, “Not really. You may have wanted to see him, but you didn’t need him. You were in good hands at the Institute, and the Kid knew that. He didn’t want to send you there in the beginning, you know. He wanted us to take care of you here. He only agreed when Doc Simpson said that you might not recover without their help.”
Heyes’ eyebrows rose slightly at that, but he said nothing.
“Don’t you think he’s been through enough pain?” Lom asked, “Don’t lay any more on him by punishing him for one mistake. He knows he behaved badly, and he’s sorry.”
“I know he is.” croaked Heyes, “And I would like things to get back to how they were, but I can’t just turn off my feelings, any more than he can.” He broke off momentarily, his eyes bright with emotion. Then he shrugged, “We’ll just have to try and work it out.”
​
Lom nodded. It wasn’t his place to interfere. It was something only they could sort out. “Just try to see his side too. O.K.?”
Heyes nodded.
​
The Kid returned from town a couple of hours later. He and Heyes were civil to each other, but distant.
Lom decided to go back to work the next day and leave them to it, half expecting to come home to find that one of them had left, or else both of them come to blows. But when he returned he found Heyes asleep in the rocking chair on the porch and the Kid inside reading one of Lom’s books. Lom didn’t ask how they’d got on. The fact that they were both still here and in one piece was testimony to the fact that they were honouring their promise to try and sort things out.
Lom was worried about Heyes, who still looked like death warmed up, but he didn’t say anything to the Kid for fear of antagonizing him.
Heyes continued to look ill for three or four days, and the tension between him and the Kid cut the air. But, gradually, they began to fall into more relaxed, if somewhat superficial, conversation, as the emotions raised by their stormy meeting began to subside, talking about day to day things such as the weather, and who would do which chores, and swapping general town gossip, although they never touched on anything remotely personal.
The Kid began going over to the Baxter’s farm again for part of each day, to help Clem Baxter prepare for the harvest.
Bored, alone at the cabin, Heyes began to go into town in the afternoons where he would either spend time with Lom in his office, or visit the saloon to try and relearn his card playing skills. He could still remember the basics, but his thought processes and responses weren’t as sharp as they had been and initially he lost every hand as he struggled to keep up with the pace of the game. But after four weeks he was winning about 50% of the time. Before his illness his average had been around 85%-90%. The improvements in his game boosted his confidence considerably and he began to think about leaving Lom’s and trying to find some work, something he’d been afraid to consider before due to his impaired faculties. Lom was quite happy for them to stay at his cabin, but Heyes felt guilty, especially as Lom wouldn’t accept any of his winnings from the card tables towards his keep.
“But you take money from the Kid.” Heyes had said indignantly. He had seen the Kid surreptitiously handing money to Lom each week and was curious to know what it was for and why they were so secretive about it, “Is it because I haven’t worked for it?”
“No, of course not.” Lom had replied.
“Then why will you take his money and not mine?” Heyes had demanded.
‘That’s not for me to say.” Lom told him. After much protest the Kid had persuaded Lom to take a portion of his earnings from the farm, not for his keep, but to reimburse him for the cost of Heyes’ treatment at the Institute, but Lom didn’t think it was his place to tell Heyes that. Indeed, Lom didn’t want him to know he’d paid for his treatment because he knew Heyes would feel obligated to pay him back and Lom didn’t want to put that pressure on him right now.
Heyes had then, rather brusquely, asked the Kid what the money he saw him giving Lom was for, but the Kid would only say that it was to pay back some he’d borrowed from him while Heyes had been away at the Institute. Heyes knew the Kid wasn’t telling the truth, but he could get nothing further out of either of them and so had had to give up asking.
* * *
Lom was at his desk one afternoon a few weeks later when Heyes burst into his office, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
“What’s up with you?” smiled Lom, putting down his pen.
“One hundred percent!” Heyes announced proudly.
“Huh?” Lom looked puzzled.
“One hundred percent.” Heyes repeated, “I won every single game I played today.”
“That’s great.” said Lom, “You must be on a lucky streak.”
“It’s not just luck.” said Heyes, “Before, I couldn’t think and react quickly enough, but now, I’m a lot sharper, a lot more alert.” He perched on the edge of Lom’s desk, “You know, for the first time since I went to the Institute, I actually feel… like me.” he told him, “Before… I felt like… I don’t know… like a part of me was missing.” He sighed, “I know there’s always going to be some things that I won’t do as well as before… like writing, and figuring .. and there’s pieces of my memory that I’ll probably never get back... but...” He paused momentarily, his expression thoughtful, “I can handle that...” he continued presently, “and I think it’s about time I started living my life again instead of just marking time.”
His jovial mood continued all the way home, chatting happily with Lom as he rode back home with him after work.
The Kid arrived about ten minutes after them, and they set about preparing supper.
Heyes was so pleased with his performance at the card tables he proudly told the Kid about it as they ate.
“That’s great.” the Kid responded politely.
“Yeah, I was telling Lom, for the first time in months I actually feel like myself, and not like a piece of me is missing.”
The kid nodded politely as he ate.
Heyes ploughed on, seemingly unaware of the Kid’s lack of enthusiasm to his mood.
“It’s a good feeling,” he continued, “and it’s got me thinking. I’ve just been marking time all these months, and it’s time I started living life again… you know… get out into the world… earn a living. Not that I’m not grateful for you putting up with me.” he added, with an apologetic glance at Lom who waved away his apology.
“So,” he turned back to the Kid, “I’m ready to move on whenever you are.”
There was what seemed, to Lom, to be an interminable silence as Heyes waited for the Kid’s reply.
The Kid carried on chewing the mouthful of food he’d just put into his mouth, his gaze fixed firmly on his plate.
“No.” he said quietly, as he swallowed the food.
“Huh?” Heyes looked taken aback.
“I said, no.” the Kid repeated, his gaze hard.
Heyes started back at him, temporarily lost for words.
Eventually he said, “Is this because of what I said to you before?” referring to his verbal attack on him the day the Kid had first visited him on his return from the Institute.
“Pretty much.” the Kid replied dismissively.
Heyes stared at him for a long moment before saying, in a falsely casual tone, “I thought we’d sorted that.”
“No.” snapped the Kid, anger flashing in his eyes, “We didn’t, and you know it. And the fact that you can conveniently forget so now, just because it suits you, is an insult. We’ve barely exchanged the time of day for weeks, and now you expect me to throw up a good job and ride off to God knows where, because you’re ready?” He shook his head, “I know you’ve been sick and I’ve tried to make allowances, but enough is enough.” He pointed an accusing finger at Heyes, “Do you know, in all the weeks you’ve been back, you’ve never once mentioned Laura, or asked how I feel.” he prodded himself in the chest, “Or given any thought to the possibility that I might have begun to set up a life of my own here, and might not want to leave.” He gave a cynical snort, “I don’t suppose you’ve even given any thought to how much your treatment cost either, or who paid for it?” he added furiously, “All you’ve thought about is yourself, wallowing in self-pity about your ‘disabilities’ and how you’ve been ‘betrayed’.” He grunted cynically, “And you have the nerve to call me a hypocrite—“ he broke off abruptly as he caught the looks of shock on both Heyes’ and Lom’s faces. He knew he shouldn’t have brought up the subject of Heyes’ treatment. Lom hadn’t wanted him to know that he had paid for it, but anger had momentarily gotten the better of him.
“I’m sorry.” He said gruffly, as much to Lom as Heyes, “But I’ve got a good job at the Baxter’s farm that could lead to something permanent. I’ve begun to put down roots, earn an honest living, and… to be honest…” his voice faltered, “in view of everything that’s happened... I don’t know that our relationship is worth giving that up for.” He glared defiantly at Heyes but Lom could see the glitter of tears behind his eyes. He shifted his gaze to Heyes, who was staring at the Kid in shocked disbelief, a tinge of colour along his cheekbones testimony to the embarrassment the Kid’s outburst had caused him.
After a long moment, he cleared his throat and, in a failed attempt to sound nonchalant, croaked, “Well, if that’s how you feel… I guess there’s nothing more to say…” But the words hung in the air as he waited for the Kid to respond - to apologise, to say he’d spoken in the heat of the moment and didn’t mean his words.
Lom could see the Kid struggling between what his head and his heart told him to say. Finally, unable to retract his words, he lowered his gaze, and Lom saw Heyes’ shoulders sag.
Pushing his chair back he got unsteadily to his feet. “Excuse me.” he muttered, before turning on his heel and hurrying out of the cabin.
“Heyes…” Lom half rose to go after him, but stopped as the Kid also got up and, without a word, disappeared into the bedroom and closed the door firmly behind him.
Lom sat back down, feeling shell shocked. He could understand the feelings and the pressures that had driven the Kid to this outburst, but he was still stunned by it, and Heyes must be devastated.
Lom got to his feet and crossed to the window, looking out for a sign of him. He spotted him out by the corral, his arms folded on the top pole of the fence, staring out into the distance.
Opening the door, Lom walked slowly across to stand by his side.
“Heyes?” he said softly.
“He’s right.” Heyes said gruffly, not looking at him, “He’s absolutely right.” He shook his head, “It must be… what… a year since Laura died?”
“Yes.’ Lom acknowledged.
Heyes gave a deep sigh. “I never gave it a thought. I just… assumed he was over it.”
“Not entirely.” said Lom.
“And it’s true, I have behaved very badly towards him.” Heyes continued, “But I was so… angry… that he didn’t visit me… and hurt… to know that he’d have… abandoned me… if I’d been left an invalid… and I wanted to hurt him back.” He trailed off, his expression troubled. Lom said nothing, but waited for him to continue.
“I have been selfish… and I’m ashamed.” he said presently, raking his hands up through his hair in frustration, “It’s my fault it’s come to this… mine alone.”
“It’s him you should be saying this too, not me.” Lom told him.
Heyes sighed. “It’s too late for that.” he replied, his voice flat.
“You don’t know that.”
Heyes merely nodded, folding his arms about himself. There was no going back. The Kid had made his feelings perfectly clear, and although Heyes was ashamed of his behaviour, it didn’t diminish his feelings. Deep down he still felt betrayed, and although parting company with the Kid was the last thing he wanted he couldn’t see any way of resolving the situation, because however much he might want to forgive him, resentment still smouldered away deep within him, a resentment compounded by the Kid’s words at supper. And those words had shown that the Kid himself was equally resentful.
“You paid for my treatment didn’t you?” Heyes asked presently, his anguished gaze fixed on the setting sun.
Lom shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Neither he nor the Kid had wanted him to know about that, Lom because he didn’t want Heyes to feel obligated to him, and the Kid because he was embarrassed that he’d had to allow Lom to pay when he felt it was his duty to do so, and both of them had hoped that Heyes wouldn’t think to ask about it.
“Yes.” He said finally.
A frown creased Heyes’ brow. “It must have cost you a fortune.”
Lom shrugged. “It was money put by for a rainy day. One came along.”
Heyes shook his head. “I’ll pay you back Lom, I swear. I was so busy trying to get better… I never gave a thought to how it was being paid for.”
Lom studied his profile, wondering whether or not to tell him. The Kid would be furious, but maybe it might stop them throwing their friendship away.
“No need.” He said finally, “The Kid already took care of it.”
Heyes’ gaze snapped onto Lom’s face. “That’s what the money is he gives you.” he said, realization dawning on his face”
Lom nodded. “I didn’t want to take it, but he insisted.”
Heyes closed his eyes and looked away, feeling even more guilty now, knowing that despite their differences, despite everything he’d accused him of, despite everything the Kid had just said to him back in the cabin, he was still paying Lom for his treatment.
“It’s getting late.” said Lom, “I’m going in. Coming?”
Heyes shook his head. “Not yet.” he said gruffly.
Lom studied him momentarily. “Well, don’t stay out too long, it’s going to be a cold night.”
Heyes nodded absently, his mind elsewhere.
Lom went back inside to clear away the supper dishes.
As he lit the lamp in the window, he could just make out Heyes’ figure in the dim evening light, sitting on a bale of hay near the corral, elbows on knees, his head in his hands.
Worriedly biting his lip, Lom drew the curtains and stoked up the fire. Crossing to the bedroom, he tapped on the door. “Kid?” he called softly, but received no response. He opened the door and peeped in. The Kid was lying on his side on the bed, fully clothed. Lom crossed to the bed and bent to look at his face in the dim light from the lamp in the other room. His eyes were closed and his breathing was even.
“Kid?” Lom whispered. The Kid groaned and turned over, and Lom left the room believing him to be asleep. As the door closed, the Kid opened his eyes, relieved that Lom had believed him to be sleeping. He couldn’t face talking to him right now. His mind was in turmoil.
An hour later Heyes still hadn’t returned to the cabin. Worried, Lom took a lamp and went out to look for him, and found him still seated on the bale of hay, his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped under his chin, gazing vacantly into the darkness. A stiff night breeze blew his hair into his face and rippled his shirt but he seemed oblivious to the chill, lost in his thoughts.
“Heyes?” Lom called. When he didn’t respond, Lom bent and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Heyes?” he repeated.
Heyes jumped, startled out of his reverie by Lom’s touch. “Mmm?”
“It’s late, and cold. Come on in now.” He took his arm and encouraged him to his feet.
Unprotesting, Heyes allowed himself to be led back to the cabin, where Lom seated him in an armchair and pressed a glass of brandy into his cold hands. “Drink.” he ordered, going to fetch a blanket which he wrapped around his shoulders before sitting down in another armchair a few feet away.
“Are you alright?” he asked, as Heyes sipped the brandy.
“Yeah.” Heyes croaked, “I just… wanted some time to think.”
Lom nodded sympathetically.
“Do you mind” Heyes asked presently, “if I swap beds with you tonight?”
Lom’s heart sank. If he didn’t want to share the bedroom with the Kid, he obviously wasn’t going to try and sort things out with him.
“If that’s what you want.” he replied finally.
Heyes nodded, as a shudder of cold shook his body.
“Come on.” Lom stood up and pulled him to his feet, the Kid temporarily forgotten in his concern for Heyes’ health, “You’re freezing. You’d better get to bed.”
“Thanks.” Heyes muttered, not really listening.
Lom propelled him into his room and helped him into bed. He would take the spare bed in the room Heyes and the Kid had been sharing.
‘Things’ll work out.” he told Heyes reassuringly. Heyes didn’t reply.
When Lom turned in at 10.00pm, the Kid was asleep on top of the bed, still fully clothed, the quilt pulled part way across his legs.
Quietly, Lom fetched a blanket from the closet and covered him with it before undressing and getting into bed.
He was woken just after seven by the Kid getting up.
“Sorry to wake you.” he whispered, looking surprised and not a little irritated to see him in the other bed instead of Heyes.
‘That’s O.K.” Lom stretched and yawned.
The Kid went into the kitchen and began to prepare a pot of coffee.
Lom got up and washed and dressed before joining him.
“Coffee?” the Kid enquired, pot in hand.
“Please.” Lom replied, going to the larder to get some food for breakfast.
“Want some bacon and eggs?” he asked as the Kid crossed to put the mugs of coffee on the table.
“Please.”
Lom began preparing the food.
“I’m going over to the farm later.” the Kid announced as Lom set down their plates and seated himself at the table.
“Oh?” he replied, pondering on the significance of the remark.
“I don’t know what time I’ll be back.” the Kid continued, an odd tone to his voice, “I might even stay over.” he added.
“Oh.” Lom said again. He wanted to try and dissuade him from putting even more distance between himself and Heyes but he decided he would only make things worse by interfering. He’d already said too much by telling Heyes that he was paying for his treatment. Lom felt he ought to confess to the Kid that he’d told him, but decided not to. That would definitely make things worse. He would leave it for Heyes to decide if he would approach him about it.
Lom was just pouring them a second cup of coffee when Heyes came out of the bedroom. He looked pale and hadn’t shaved. His step faltered when he saw the Kid seated at the table, and Lom could see him struggling to decide what to do next.
“Morning.” Lom smiled. “Want some coffee?”
Heyes gave a vague nod, his gaze fixed on the Kid, who behaved as though he wasn’t in the room.
Heyes slowly crossed to the table and sat down at the opposite end to the Kid.
Lom placed a mug of coffee in front of him and turned to pour another for himself and the Kid.
The Kid’s gaze remained fixed on his plate as he finished the last of his breakfast.
​
“Kid…” Heyes began, his voice gruff, “I know it’s no consolation… but ... what you said yesterday is absolutely true… and… I’m sorry.”
The Kid swallowed down the last of his breakfast and pushed his plate aside before lifting his gaze to Heyes’.
“You’re right.” he said flatly, “It’s no consolation.” Then, pushing his chair back and standing up, he said to Lom, “Forget the coffee, Lom, I’m out of here.” turning away and crossing to the door where he took his hat from the peg on the wall.
Lom looked at Heyes, who was staring at the table top with an expression of abject despair, and then back at the Kid, who was just opening the door.
“Kid.” he called, wanting to stop him leaving, to plead with him on Heyes’ behalf to see reason, to beg them not to let their pride ruin a lifelong friendship. But as the Kid turned to look at him with eyes like ice, his body stiff with anger and bitterness, all he said was, “See you later?” in a subtle plea for him not to stay at the Baxter’s and further worsen the situation.
“Don’t count on it.” the Kid placed his hat on his head and slammed out of the cabin.
Lom turned to look at Heyes who was still staring at the table top. Slowly, he raised his eyes to Lom’s and lifted his shoulders in a helpless shrug.
“Give him time.” Lom said reassuringly, “He’ll come around.” But Heyes shook his head.
“I said I was sorry for treating him badly, and I meant it.” he said quietly, “I am sorry for how I’ve treated him, and I know he’s sorry for the way he’s behaved, and there’s nothing I’d like more than for things to be like they were... but…” he sighed, “being sorry doesn’t change how I feel, inside… or how he feels.” He paused, his expression anguished, “I can’t see a way to get past that. And we know each other too well to try and pretend things are O.K. when they’re not.” He paused momentarily before saying, "Things have changed since I went to the Institute… we’re not the same people we were before… before my illness… before Laura…” He shook his head, “I think we’ve reached the end of the line.”
“I can’t believe that.” said Lom, “Not after all you’ve been through together.”
“I didn’t want to believe it either.” said Heyes, his voice hoarse with emotion, “I’ve gone over and over it in my head, trying to make it right. But I can’t… and neither can he. What’s done is done.”
Neither spoke for several moments. Eventually Heyes said, “I need some air.” getting up from the table and leaving the cabin.
He began walking, not consciously aware of where he was going, his mind full of the events of the last few days and weeks. Eventually, he found himself by the stream where he’d spent the afternoon the day after his return from the Institute. He sat down on the grassy bank, drawing his knees up and folding his arms around them. He sat there for hours, staring vacantly into the rippling water, oblivious to the beauty of the day and the sound of the birds singing in the trees above him, as he tried to come to terms with what had happened.
He felt sick at the thought of himself and the Kid going their separate ways. They’d been together so long they were more like family than friends. Over the years they’d been each other’s Father, Mother and Brother, and despite the hurt, anger and bitterness they’d caused each other these last months, the loss of that relationship was like a family bereavement. He wished they could put things back the way they were before, but the Kid’s refusal to visit him after his accident, and the knowledge that he would have abandoned him if he had been left an invalid by it, had destroyed his trust in him and caused the Kid so much embarrassment and frustration that Heyes didn’t see any way that their friendship could survive. It would always be there, like a wedge between them. The question was, what to do next. Heyes doubted the Kid’s ability to stay out of trouble on his own; his temper all too easily got the better of him. The problem was, the authorities had them listed pretty much as a pair, which meant that if one of them got into any trouble, was recognized and arrested, the other would automatically be presumed guilty and hunted down.
Heyes sighed, heavily. He had to admit that working at the Baxter’s farm was probably the best thing for him. It was isolated and therefore he would run less risk of being recognized, and with Lom to keep an eye on him he would be less likely to get into trouble on his visits into town. So where did that leave Heyes himself? Did he stay with Lom and try to find some work locally? Or should he leave and make a fresh start somewhere else? He wasn’t particularly keen on either idea. He didn’t want to sponge off Lom, and also, it could be awkward if the Kid decided to visit and he was stuck there. But he wasn’t inclined to leave either. The effects of the accident had left him feeling vulnerable, and he felt the need to be near people he knew, a feeling he wasn’t used to, having always been staunchly independent.
Maybe he could find some work locally and rent a room in town like he had before, he pondered. That way he could keep his independence, but still be close to Lom, which would improve his own chances of keeping out of trouble.
It was late afternoon when he returned to Lom’s cabin. To Lom’s disappointment, the Kid didn’t come back from the farm, although Heyes had known all along that he wouldn’t, just to make a point.
Later, as he and Lom sat around the hearth sharing a couple of glasses of whisky, Heyes talked over his ideas of trying to find some work locally and maybe renting a room in town, and while he tried to sound philosophical and positive, Lom could tell he was deeply distressed by the whole situation.
“I’ll certainly keep an ear open for some work for you.” he told him.
“Thanks.” Heyes gave him a watery smile.
Nothing was said between them, but both knew that Heyes’ employment options would be limited since his illness. Physically he was no longer able to cope with heavy, manual work, which meant no ranching, mining or farming, which, in a farming community, didn’t leave a lot else to choose from. A thought occurred to Lom about trying to get Heyes another job at the courthouse. Heyes had walked out of his previous job there after the Kid’s arrest because Ben Walters had objected to him taking time off at such short notice to go to his aid. From what Heyes had told him on the journey to Cheyenne, there had been a heated exchange between them, but Lom knew that despite Ben’s short temper, he was a decent man, and up until that point he and Heyes had got on well. Lom had explained to Ben later that it was only out of concern for his friend’s wellbeing that Heyes had been so short with him, and he wondered now if he could persuade him to give Heyes another chance.
The Kid returned the next morning and announced that he was moving back out to the farm to live.
“I wish you wouldn’t.” Lom told him, as the Kid collected his belongings together, “You’re never going to sort things out if you move over there.”
“There’s nothing to sort out.” replied the Kid, his gaze involuntarily shifting to Heyes, seated at table, head bowed, and Lom could tell that he felt as sick as Heyes did about what was happening to their relationship, but seemed powerless to do anything to change it.
Lom gave a resigned sigh and shook his head despairingly.
The Kid collected up his things and left the cabin without a word to Heyes, who remained at the table, staring fixedly into his cup of coffee. Lom followed him out onto the porch.
“Kid, I wish you wouldn’t do this.” he said as the Kid loaded his belongings onto his horse. When he didn’t reply Lom said, “You will keep in touch won’t you?”
“I expect I’ll run into you in town, and you can contact me at the farm if you need to.” the Kid replied, his tone hard.
Lom glanced towards the cabin door, hoping Heyes would come out and try to reason with him. When he didn’t, Lom sighed deeply, “Take care.” he told him, as he mounted his horse.
“See you.” the Kid muttered, turning and riding away without a backward glance.
Lom stood on the porch, hands in his pockets, watching his receding figure, reluctant to go back inside and face Heyes.
He lingered until the Kid had disappeared from sight before going back inside.
Heyes was still sitting at the table, staring into his coffee.
“I’m sorry, Heyes.” Lom told him.
“So am I.” Heyes said gruffly, “But…” he lifted his shoulders in a helpless shrug.
Lom couldn’t think of anything comforting to say, so he left the room and set about doing his weekend chores.
​
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