Retribution
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- 6 -
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Heyes came out to breakfast somewhat sheepishly the next morning. Lom and Curry were already at the table eating.
"Morning." Lom said, brusquely, without looking up. Curry didn’t speak.
"Morning." Heyes said quietly.
"There’s eggs and bacon if you want some." said Lom.
"Coffee’s fine." said Heyes, going over to the stove and pouring a cup.
Lom gave him a passing glance while his attention was on the coffee pot. He looked tired, and he had a split lip around which a bruise was starting to show.
Curry munched a piece of bread, staring out of the window, seemingly indifferent to Heyes’ presence. The morning sun highlighted a slight swelling on his cheekbone where Heyes had hit him the previous night.
Heyes sipped the coffee and then turned to face them, sighing heavily.
"Look" he began, "I’m sorry about yesterday," He glanced from Lom to Curry and back again, "I had no right to speak the way I did to you, Lom. I owe you a lot… both of you… it’s just…" he paused, at a loss for an explanation. He shrugged, "I guess I haven’t got myself together yet. I guess I… resented you discussing me behind my back. I know it’s stupid, but…" he paused again, "I felt so bad about it afterwards…" he looked at the floor, embarrassed now, "…I thought about clearing out in the night, so I wouldn’t have to face you this morning, but…" He shrugged, taking another sip of his coffee. They weren’t making this easy for him, but then he couldn’t blame them.
He sighed, "Anyway, I’m sorry."
Neither Lom nor Curry said anything.
Heyes put down the cup and went outside, the warmth of the morning sun extra pleasant after the hostile atmosphere inside.
He sat down on the porch step, wondering what to do next. It looked as though he’d gone too far this time. It didn’t look as if they were going to forgive him.
Several minutes later, Lom came out. He walked past Heyes, down the step, and stood in front of him.
"Forget about it, Heyes." he told him, "I know, deep down, you didn’t mean what you said, although I was pretty mad for a while."
"But, that’s the trouble… I did mean it, at the time. It was only after what the Kid said that I realised how selfish I’d been." He raked a hand through his hair and shook his head, "Now I’ve ruined everything…" he said, his eyes troubled, "My friendship with you, and the Kid… our chance to make a go of our lives…" he trailed off gazing wistfully into the distance.
"No, you haven’t." said Lom, "Look, don’t worry about it. I accept your apology. Nothing’s changed between us. You’re welcome here any time. I’m just glad you’re a bit more like your old self now."
"I think I am." said Heyes, "Thanks, Lom."
"Listen, I have to get to work." said Lom, "Are you leaving today, or what?"
"I don’t know. What’s the Kid say?"
Lom shrugged, "You’ll have to sort it out between you, but, if you do go, good luck and keep in touch. O.K?"
Heyes gave him a weak smile, "O.K."
Lom extended his hand and Heyes shook it before Lom turned and left.
Heyes remained sitting on the porch, thinking about his behaviour these last few weeks and of how he had treated Lom and the Kid.
Eventually, Curry came outside and stood behind Heyes. Heyes didn’t turn round.
Curry was torn. He wanted to apologise, but then again he didn’t. He’d believed in everything he’d said to him the previous night and didn’t see why he should apologise for it. Heyes had deserved it. But he was sorry he’d hit him.
He sighed, "I’m sorry I hit you." he said to Heyes’ back.
Heyes shook his head, rubbing his leg, which still ached a lot, "Don’t be. I deserved it. If you hadn’t knocked some sense into me, I’d probably have been gone this morning.
Curry moved to sit down on the step by his side, "I didn’t want to hurt you," he told him, "but I was so mad."
"So was I, but for all the wrong reasons." said Heyes, "I think I know where I’m going now. You were right. You and Lom let me behave badly for so long it was beginning to become a habit. I needed some sense knocking into me." He turned to look at Curry with a sad smile, "Those guys knocked it all out of me." Then, teasing, "Quite the tough guy these days, aren’t you?" In the past it had always been Heyes, as the eldest, who had dished out advice and instruction on how they behaved. He wasn’t used to being on the receiving end.
Curry didn’t answer. They sat for several moments, each preoccupied with their own thoughts.
"What now?" Curry asked presently.
Heyes shrugged, "Do you want to move on, or what?"
"I don’t know. I like Lom’s idea of trying to get some work around here. You could do with some more exercise on that leg before we go gallivanting off, and I’d like to give Lom some money for all the trouble he’s been to."
Heyes nodded, "O.K. We’ll try and get some work here for a few weeks."
Later that evening, while Heyes took another soak in Lom’s bathtub, to soothe his aching leg, Lom said, "Have you two sorted yourselves out now?"
"Yeah." Curry nodded, "I apologised for hitting him. I shouldn’t have done it."
Lom nodded thoughtfully, "I think he’s glad you did." He sat back in his chair, lighting his pipe and puffing on it, "It seems to have made him pull himself together a bit."
Curry sipped a glass of scotch, nodding thoughtfully.
Lom told him what Heyes had said that morning, about fearing he’d ruined their friendship by his behaviour. Curry didn’t reply, swirling the scotch around in the glass.
"Hopefully, he should be O.K. from here on. He seems to be starting to get his head together." said Lom.
"I hope so." muttered Curry, "I couldn’t have stood him for much longer the way he’s been lately."
"It could have been much worse." Lom pointed out, "He could have gone completely crazy, done himself in even, or, at the other extreme, he could have retreated into himself permanently."
"Heaven forbid!" Curry said with feeling, "I can’t imagine him in any of those situations. He’s always been so… in control."
"He wasn’t too far away from either." said Lom, "Remember how he just gazed into space when you first got here? Well, he could well have stayed like that. Luckily, he was strong enough to pull himself out of it, although it hasn’t been easy. He’s a proud man. He’s had a hell of a struggle trying to come to terms with how those bastards humiliated him."
"How come you aint a doctor?" Curry smiled at him, his head on one side, fascinated by his insight into people and their ways.
"It interests me," said Lom, "how the mind works, the tricks it can play on us. It’s a very complex thing the brain. More than we know." He puffed on his pipe, "That day when Heyes broke down, he was angry with himself for being what he thought of as weak, and angrier still because he couldn’t control what he felt. I tried to explain that all that anger and humiliation had to work its way to the surface, and that he shouldn’t fight it, which is what he was trying to do, but give in to it and do whatever he felt. I told him he would feel better much more quickly than by trying to suppress his feelings, and, afterwards, he did. But, if I hadn’t been able to make him understand what was causing him to have such strange feelings, there’s no telling what he might have ended up doing. That’s why he kept having all those moods and tantrums. He had to be like that, or bottle it all up inside and go crazy." He paused to puff on his pipe once more, "It’s a very interesting illness." he continued.
"Illness?"
Lom nodded, "In years to come, they’ll be able to solve all sorts of problems like those, brought on by mental strain."
"Amazing." Curry muttered, trying to imaging how Heyes must have been feeling.
He knew what physical pain Heyes must have gone through from his injuries. He could imagine that easily enough, he’d had his fair share. But what about the added effects of being constantly beaten, tied up, half starved, and humiliated, by those men?
He thought back over what he’d witnessed, as he’d followed Felton’s gang, trying to imagine what it must have felt like and to put those feelings together with the physical pain, which he understood, and analyse how all this would feel to a man of Heyes’ proud spirit. The result wasn’t pleasant. God, he must have felt so alone, he thought to himself. A shudder ran through him as he tried to imagine how he would have felt if it was him. Lom was studying Curry's expressions as he gazed out of the window, deep in thought, the glass of scotch limp in his hand, temporarily forgotten.
"Hard to imagine, isn’t it?" he said.
"Mmm?" Curry returned from his thoughts.
"I said, it’s hard to imagine, isn’t it? That is what you were doing?"
Curry nodded, "Yeah. If I only felt half as bad just then, I dread to think how he must have felt."
"That’s why it’s taken him so long to get through it." said Lom, "Those feelings just keep coming back. For a long time. Then you either get mad and lash out, or so depressed you wish you were dead."
Just then, Heyes entered the room.
"Hi." He poured himself a drink and crossed the room, still limping slightly, and sat down by the fire.
"Are you alright?" Curry asked on impulse.
"Sure." Heyes looked puzzled by the question.
"Really?" Curry was insistent.
"Yes. Why the inquisition?"
Curry shrugged and looked away.
"We were just discussing what happened to you." Lom answered for him, "He was just trying to put himself in your shoes. He’s amazed you’re still in one piece I think."
Heyes’ expression became serious, "So am I, Lom, and it’s you I have to thank for that. You helped me a lot." He gazed at Lom, gratitude obvious in his dark eyes.
"I’m glad I was able to." Lom replied, pleased to see that awful tormented look almost gone from them. Almost, but not quite. It came back whenever he allowed himself to think about what had happened, which he had been making a concerted effort not to do since Curry had told him off about his behaviour.
"Lom’s explained to me all the reasons why you behaved the way you did." Curry said now, "I was just trying to put myself in that position, wondering how I would have coped." He shook his head, "I’m just glad it wasn’t me. I didn’t realise before just how complicated the effect of that short of thing can be."
"Listen to Doctor Curry." smirked Heyes.
Curry glared at him, "There’s no need to make fun." he snapped, "I just wanted to try and understand what you went through. I saw it, but I didn’t understand what it did to you, in here." He tapped his temple.
The spark of amusement died in Heyes’ eyes, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make fun of you." He sighed, "I don’t really understand it myself. I just know I never want to be in a situation like that again. I just couldn’t stand it…" he trailed off gazing at the floor, his face becoming troubled as he relived some of those feelings, and Lom could see that tormented look creep into his eyes once more.
"Heyes." he called softly.
"Yeah?" Heyes looked up.
Lom shook his head, "Don’t torture yourself with it any more. Try not to think about it. It’s over. Finished."
"I can’t help it. It just washes over me, out of the blue."
"I know, but you have to try and put it out of your mind. It will only make you bitter." said Lom.
"I am bitter." said Heyes, his voice hard, "I don’t know how I looked to you, but I felt like I was going crazy there for a while.
Lom nodded sympathetically.
"I couldn’t even work out what day it was at one point." Heyes continued, shaking his head, "I don’t think I’ll ever forget it." He looked at Lom with baleful eyes, "I just hope I’ll be able to learn to live with it."
"It will get easier." said Lom, "Just try to keep things in perspective."
Heyes sighed, "I’ll try."
"You said you wanted to kill them." Curry said now, "Do you still feel the same way? Would you really do it?"
Heyes sighed, deeply, gazing pensively into his glass. After a moment he said, "I can see it would do no good…" he paused. "But… if I came face to face with them tomorrow..?" he shrugged before looking up at Curry, his expression sombre, "I don’t know, Kid."
Curry studied Heyes’ eyes. Neither he nor Heyes had ever murdered anyone, despite rumours to the contrary, but Heyes’ eyes told him what Heyes himself probably wouldn’t admit - that if he should run into them again tomorrow, then that day would almost certainly be their last.
Curry didn’t think he would ever see a look like that in Heyes’ eyes and he felt desperately sorry for what they had reduced him to. He swallowed hard, glancing across at Lom to see if he had caught the look, but he seemed unaware of it.
Heyes saw the expression in his friend's eyes and a lump suddenly came to his own throat.
He stood up abruptly, "Excuse me." he croaked before hurriedly leaving the cabin, leaving Lom and Curry to exchange puzzled glances.
"Now what?" asked Curry.
Lom shrugged, "I’ll go see." he said, getting to his feet and going outside after him. Heyes was standing on the porch, his arms folded about him, gazing into the night. In the moonlight, Lom was surprised to see his face streaked with tears.
"Heyes?" Lom took a step towards him.
At the sound of his voice, Heyes turned quickly away, hastily brushing the tears off his face.
"I just can’t stand the pity." He spat the words in a strangled voice, "I could see it, then, in the Kid’s eyes… I’ve seen it in yours…" his voice shook as he tried to control his emotions, "and it just… crucifies me. I don’t want pity… I just want it not to have happened." He let out a tremulous sigh, "But that can’t be, can it? Because it did." He broke off abruptly.
"It’s not pity. It’s compassion." Lom told him, as Heyes bowed his head and covered his face with his hands, "The Kid cares about you like a Brother. He’s sad that this happened to you, as am I"
"You didn’t see what they did to me." Heyes’ voice was muffled through his hands, "He did. And it’s written on his face every time he looks at me."
"No, Heyes. You just think that because you can’t handle your own feelings. It’s not his pity you think you see, but your own." Lom sighed, "You have to put it behind you, Heyes. You’ll destroy yourself if you don’t. I know you feel embarrassed by what happened, but you’ve no need to be. Not with us." He stared at Heyes momentarily before continuing, "I may not have seen what they did to you, Heyes, but I saw the results of it, and I’ve watched you struggle to come to terms with it, and I don’t pity you. I admire you. You’ve got guts. Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve been through a hell of an ordeal and you mustn’t feel bad about the way it affected you, or the way you’ve behaved."
Unheard, Curry had come out onto the porch and had heard the last part of the conversation.
"I can’t help it." croaked Heyes, "It’s there… in my head… all the time… and I hate it… them… even you sometimes." He shook his head, "Tell me how to put it behind me, Lom." he pleaded, "I don’t know how."
Lom made to step forward but Curry touched his arm, stepping past him and dropping his arm across Heyes’ shoulders.
"Don’t torture yourself, Heyes. Lom’s right. You went through a hell of an ordeal, and you shouldn’t feel bad about how it’s affected you." he told him, "It’s not pity you think you see in me… it’s guilt. Guilt that I couldn’t find a way to help you sooner… I had to follow after you, watching them do all those terrible things to you, powerless to do anything to stop it… It tore me apart... I know you had to endure the physical pain, but every blow they inflicted on you hurt me almost as much as if it was me down there and not you. Do you understand?"
Heyes raised moist eyes to his, realisation dawning on him that, if it had been the other way round, he would have felt that way too, and in it’s own way, it was just as bad.
Lom looked admiringly at Curry. That was quite a speech for him. He’d learned a lot because of what had happened to Heyes.
"Do you? Curry asked again when Heyes didn’t reply, his own eyes moist.
Heyes nodded, "Yes." he croaked.
Lom quietly stepped back inside the cabin. This was the first time either had felt able to talk, really talk, to each other about their feelings about what they’d been through - Curry had been through a lot too - and they’d both been unwilling, or unable to help each other. They needed some time to clear the air.
"Don’t shut me out, Heyes." said Curry. He hadn’t realised until that moment how left out he’d felt, watching Lom comfort and coax Heyes through his pain and confusion, reaching into Heyes’ soul in a way he hadn’t been able to, "Talk to me. Lom’s right. You’ll have these feelings for a long time. You need to get them out in the open, talk about them, not brood on them."
Heyes turned away and sat down on the porch step, "I don’t need to tell you how I felt." he said, his voice husky, "You saw."
"Yes, but I don’t know what you’re feeling now." said Curry, "You shut yourself off, hide your feelings inside, and you mustn’t. Don’t be afraid to say if you’re upset about something."
"Got twenty years to spare?" Heyes made a feeble attempt at a joke.
"If necessary." Curry replied, his voice deadly serious.
Heyes gazed up at him for a moment before getting to his feet and giving him a watery smile, "Thanks, Kid." He slapped him on the shoulder, turning to go.
Curry caught his arm, staring intently into his eyes.
"I mean it, Heyes." he said softly, "You’ve always been there for me. And now I’m here for you… If you’ll let me."
Heyes stared back at him, his eyes full of tears, touched by his words.
"I know… thanks." he choked, turning abruptly away and striding back into the house.
Lom looked up, "O.K?" he enquired.
Heyes nodded, not daring to look at him. If he met the look of compassion he knew he would see in his eyes, he would break down again, and he didn’t want to do that.
"I think I’ll turn in, I’m beat. Goodnight Lom."
"Goodnight." Lom answered, looking puzzled as Heyes strode into the bedroom and closed the door.
A few moments later, Curry came back inside.
"Where’s Heyes?"
"Turned in." said Lom, puffing on his pipe.
Curry nodded, "Oh."
"Did you talk things through?" asked Lom.
Curry gave him a startled glance, amazed at his perceptiveness. He sat down with a nod, "I hope he understands that I felt guilty too, and ashamed that I couldn’t do anything to help him sooner. It wasn’t easy watching them do all those things to him. It haunts me as much as it does him."
Lom nodded.
"I still don’t know all the details of what went on." Curry continued, "I was too far away to know everything that happened. I only saw them laying into him at their evening camps." He paused momentarily remembering, "I’d like to know what happened the day I rescued him." he continued presently, "There seemed to be some kind of an argument and Felton just went crazy. I really thought he was going to kill him. I didn’t have any idea if I could take on all of them when I went in… I just knew I had to do something, right then, or Heyes would be dead." He shuddered, remembering, "I’m afraid to mention it to him in case it sends him back into a depression. He hasn’t talked about that day at all, even if I’ve tried to steer the conversation in that direction. In fact, he hasn’t said much about the whole affair."
"I know." Lom nodded agreement, "He ought to talk about it. There’s a lot of things he’s keeping in, and that’s not a good thing."
Curry nodded, "Maybe I’ll ask him tomorrow." He was also concerned about what Heyes was keeping inside him, and he didn’t want it to come to a head after they’d left here. He wasn’t as good as Lom at dealing with emotional outbursts. "Well, I think I’ll turn in too Lom. Goodnight."
* * *
The next day, over lunch ,Curry decided to ask Heyes, outright, about what had happened the day he’d rescued him while Lom was there to give moral support if Heyes got mad or upset.
Heyes frowned, "It’s all so hazy now." he muttered, "Everything’s sort of rolled into one long memory of pain."
"I saw you hanging onto some guy and then Felton grabbed you and threw you on the ground." Curry told him.
Heyes put down his fork and, putting his elbow on the table, propped his forehead on the heel of his palm, closing his eyes. He had tried hard to force the memory out of his mind, but at Curry's mention of it, it washed over him once more, turning his stomach.
"I remember." he whispered, feeling sick as he once again relived it in his mind.
Lom, who had been making coffee at the stove, turned and leaned against the sink to listen.
"What happened?" Curry prompted.
Heyes sighed, "The guy… was Felton’s kid brother… Joey." he said gruffly, "He kept taunting me… all the time…" Heyes clenched his fists subconsciously as he recalled some of the taunts Joey had made, "He called me ..." he continued, but trailed off, unable to bring himself to repeat to them the things he’d said that had caused him so much humiliation. He closed his eyes briefly, letting out a deep sigh and shaking his head, "I’d already had one go at him." he continued, "I told him I had friends who would take care of them when they caught up with them… Bravado on my part," he added, "I didn’t believe anyone would find me." He paused briefly before saying, "Felton laid into me for that… and took a knife to my throat… He told me… if I ever spoke to Joey again…" Heyes took a shaky breath, his voice trembling at the memory of it, "…he …he would personally cut out my tongue… I knew it was no idle threat… not after..." He broke off, temporarily lost in thought as memories of Josie’s rape and murder flashed before his eyes.
"After what?" asked Curry.
Heyes came back to the present and shrugged, unable to bring himself to tell them what had happened to Josie, partly because it was too awful, and partly for fear of what they would think of him if they knew about what he saw as his cowardly actions.
"I’d… just had enough that day..." he said, "The pain, the insults… Joey just kept on, and on… I just couldn’t take any more…" his voice faltered, "I just threw myself at him… I didn’t really know what I was doing… I… I just… wanted it to stop." He sighed, passing his hand across his eyes.
"Felton grabbed me, and threw me down. He took out his knife… and grabbed me round the throat. He said… he’d warned me, what he would do…" He paused, remembering, before continuing, Lom and Curry temporarily forgotten as he once again relived the ordeal of those moments.
"I tried to fight him… but I was too weak. He kept kicking me… and hitting me… over and over." he said, his voice husky, "He kicked my bad leg…" he closed his eyes, "it was agony… He got his arm around my throat… and his fist in my mouth… I couldn’t breathe. All I could see was the knife, glinting in front of my face… He was almost lying on top of me… and I couldn’t get my arm up to stop him…" he broke off, shaking his head, "I was terrified…" he croaked.
Lom and Curry exchanged shocked glances.
Heyes drew in a shuddering breath, "The next thing I remember is waking up here." he said. He looked up at Curry now, "If you hadn’t come… when you did… I had no strength left… He’d have done it." He shook his head, "He knew it was a punishment… worse than any prison sentence… or death." He stared down at the table, his eyes bright with unshed tears, "He said… that would be just the start… that he’d carve me up, bit by bit…" he broke off as his voice faltered.
No-one spoke for several moments, Heyes locked in his memories, Lom trying to imagine what it must have been like, while Curry tried to equate what Heyes had told them with his own memories of the event.
Presently, Curry said, "I had no idea how to get you away from them, or even if I could… but you were so desperate… I just prayed that, in all the commotion, the element of surprise I had would be enough. But I had to do something. I could hear you screaming with pain from up on the ridge."
Heyes shook his head, "I don’t remember. I was scared out of my wits. All I could think of was… what would happen if he succeeded… Oh God…" he groaned, raking his hands through his hair, while Curry watched him compassionately, and Lom stood by the sink looking stunned by what he’d heard.
"Everything’s a blur." Heyes said presently, "Was I really screaming?"
Curry nodded, "Blue murder. I’ll never forget it." He shook his head, his eyes troubled, "I was terrified too." he said quietly, bowing his head as he thought about what might have happened.
"I had no idea you were trailing us." Heyes said now, "After our argument… I thought you’d have left town… or else thought I’d gone off in a huff. I didn’t think anyone would ever find me. I thought… I’d had it."
Curry had thought so too, but he didn’t say it.
Heyes let out a deep sigh, "I can’t think about this anymore right now." he said, his voice trembling,"Let’s finish lunch."
"Sure." Lom turned back to the stove, while Curry picked up his knife and fork and continued with his meal.
Heyes ate a few mouthfuls, but seemed preoccupied, pushing the food absently around the plate.
Lom and Curry made light conversation, trying to draw Heyes away from his memories, but he kept drifting off into a world of his own. Lom watched him worriedly. The reality of what had happened was far more traumatic than just the beating he’d taken and the injuries he had sustained. He had obviously been trying, and succeeded to a limited degree, to bury the memories, and had managed to get himself back to some facsimile of normality, but the ease with which they had overwhelmed him again just now made Lom wonder whether he would ever fully be able to deal with them and move forward.
Just then, Heyes looked up and, catching the look in Lom’s eyes, smiled at him, making an effort to appear cheerful. Lom smiled back.
The conversation at lunch had woken memories in Heyes that he would have preferred to leave buried. He couldn’t shake them all day, and they even took over his dreams that night. His bad dreams had become less frequent over the past few weeks, but now he tossed and turned, reliving the whole ghastly ordeal again.
Lom and Curry were woken at 3.00am by screams of anguish coming from Heyes’ room.
Lom dived out of bed and belted next door to Heyes’ room, with Curry close on his heels.
They dashed into the room, to find Heyes, still asleep, tossing and turning and screaming out as he relived the terror of Felton’s attack on him.
"No… please… not this…" he gasped, his face bathed with sweat, his expression anguished, his fingers clawing at the bedcovers as, in his mind, he wrestled once more with Felton.
Lom grabbed his shoulders, trying to shake him awake.
"Heyes." he shouted, "Heyes, wake up."
Still dreaming, Heyes frantically tried to push Lom away, believing he was fighting Felton.
"Come on, Heyes, wake up." Lom fended him off and shook him once more, "Heyes!" he shouted at the top of his voice.
Heyes woke, with a start, struggling frantically. Lom pressed his shoulders down onto the pillow.
"No… no…" he cried, still half dreaming.
"Sssh. It’s just a dream, Heyes. Come on, calm down. You’re O.K. Relax."
Heyes stopped struggling, abruptly, his body rigid, his heart pounding, recognition slowly beginning to dawn on his face.
Lom let go of him as he struggled up into a sitting position, pushing aside Lom’s hand as he reached out to help him, closing his eyes and shaking his head, "Oh, God." he groaned, lifting his hands to his face, "Oh, God" he groaned again, his shoulders shaking as he began to sob into his hands.
Curry stood staring at him, unable to believe what he was witnessing.
"Kid, make some coffee." Lom glanced across at Curry who was rooted to the spot, gazing at Heyes with a shocked expression.
"Kid!" Lom shouted, and Curry jumped, "Make some coffee." he repeated.
Curry nodded, and backed out of the room looking as though he’d been punched.
Lom turned his attention back to Heyes, who had stopped sobbing now and was leaning limply back against the pillows, visibly trembling, obviously deeply shaken by the nightmare and unable to cope with the visions his mind had replayed to him.
Lom realised, now, that, that final attack on him, by Felton, had been the straw that broke the camel’s back, the thing that had pushed him over the edge. But, he had to come to terms with it, or he was lost.
Lom sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on Heyes’ shoulder, "It’s O.K. Relax now. It’s just a dream."
Heyes made no movement, as Lom squeezed his shoulder, nor any sound. He gazed blankly ahead, the tears he had shed trickling down his cheeks to drip unchecked onto the bedcover.
He shook his head to himself. He thought he’d put all this behind him, got it all straight in his mind. He had sworn not to get upset over it again, and yet here he was, crying his heart out, again, and in front of Lom too.
The thought brought a fresh wave of tears. He closed his eyes against them, but they forced their way through his lashes to slide silently down his cheeks.
"I’m sorry." he choked, raising a hand to cover his face, embarrassed by his behaviour.
"There’s nothing to be sorry about" said Lom.
"I can’t believe I was only dreaming." Heyes muttered, dropping his hand and staring blankly in front of him, "I really thought it was happening again. God, I was so terrified…"
"I know." said Lom, squeezing his shoulder reassuringly.
Curry returned with the coffee. He walked right across Heyes’ line of vision, but his gaze never flickered.
"How long will it last, Lom?" Heyes asked suddenly, his voice shaking with emotion.
"What?" Lom looked at him, puzzled.
"This… this living nightmare… the bitterness… the fear… the dreams… To go through it once was bad enough, but to keep reliving it… it tears me apart."
"I can’t tell you that you won’t dream about it again, because you will. But it will get easier. You’re still shaken by what happened. It’s still fresh in your mind. But it will fade as you get over it."
Heyes shook his head, unconvinced.
"Yes." Lom insisted, "Trust me."
Curry looked on, wishing there was something he could do to help. Lom was so good with him, he felt useless by comparison. They had an understanding over some things that even he himself and Heyes didn’t have, even though they’d been together virtually all of their lives. Curry had seen flashes of it before, when they’d all ridden together as outlaws. Sometimes, they were both so in-tune with each other’s ideas it was as though they thought as one. Curry had resented it at times, but, right now, he was grateful for Lom’s insight into Heyes’ feelings. Without him, Curry reckoned Heyes would have been finished, his spirit destroyed by what Felton and his men had done to him. But, little by little, Lom was making him understand, coaxing him out of his depression, restoring his confidence in himself. Curry was glad. As much as he wanted to help Heyes, he just didn’t know how.
Lom took the coffee from Curry and lifted Heyes’ limp hand to press it around the cup.
"Here, drink this." he told him. He half expected Heyes to drop the cup, and held his hand out ready to catch it, but Heyes drank the coffee and then handed the cup back to Lom, wiping his face with the back of his hand.
"Are you alright now?" asked Lom.
Heyes cleared his throat, "I guess so. I’m sorry I…"
"There’s no need to apologise." Lom stood up now and moved to turn down the lamp, but Heyes stopped him.
"No. Leave it."
Lom looked at him questioningly. Heyes turned wide, moist eyes to his.
"I’m... afraid… to sleep…" he admitted quietly, looking like a lost child, and Curry felt a lump rise in his own throat. Abruptly, he turned on his heel and left the room.
"Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Dreams can’t hurt you." Lom told him reassuringly, "Try and block it out of your mind. Try and think of other things, and if you need anything, we’re right outside. Just call. O.K?"
"O.K." croaked Heyes.
Lom turned the lamp down a little, but not off. Then, with a reassuring wink to Heyes, he left the room.
He went back to the kitchen, where Curry was sitting at the table, elbows on the table top, his head in his hands. He looked up as Lom approached, a pained look in his eyes.
"He’s O.K." Lom assured him.
"He looked it." Curry replied with sarcasm.
"Don’t be deceived by the way he looks." said Lom, "He’s doing O.K. given what he’s been through." Lom sat down opposite him, "He’ll have dreams like this on and off, for a long time." he told him, "But he will get over it, in time. You’ll just have to reassure him, when he has them. Don’t let him get depressed, or embarrassed, over them. Those feelings are the ones that do the damage. You have to make him realize its O.K. to let go of his feelings, to yell and curse, or cry, if he wants to."
"Me?"Curry grunted, "It’s easy for you. You and he have a special connection that way. I can’t come up with all that fancy talk. He wouldn’t listen to me even if I did."
"He’ll listen to anyone right now, as long as they sound as if they know what they’re talking about."
"But, I don’t know what to say. I can’t see into his mind in that way, like you can."
"Look, Kid, he’ll have down periods about this long after you two have left here. You have to help him through it, or he’ll go crazy."
Curry sighed, "I’ll try." Then, "This was all because of us pushing him to talk about it at lunch today, wasn’t it?"
"I’m afraid it was." agreed Lom, "But it’s probably done him good. Those feelings have to come out if he has any chance of getting back to what he was before. If he buries them away inside, like he has been doing, they’ll destroy him."
Curry nodded, "I hope to God we never run into those guys again, or we can kiss the amnesty goodbye."
Lom raised a questioning eyebrow.
"He wouldn’t admit it when I asked." Curry continued, "He may not even know it himself, but I saw it in his eyes, Lom. If he ever meets Felton again, the guy is dead."
"You really think so?" Lom couldn’t believe it. Not of Heyes, "He hasn’t got it in him. Neither of you have, or you would have killed before now."
Curry shook his head, "This has changed him. He’s got it in him now, believe me. You know him well, but I live with him, day in, day out, and his face is an open book to me. He probably wouldn’t admit it, even to himself, because, as you say, it’s against everything he believes in. He probably doesn’t believe, himself, that he could do it. I think he thinks he could control himself and do the right thing if the opportunity ever presented itself. But I saw it in his eyes, Lom… pure, raw, hatred. I’ve seen him mad, and I’ve seen him thump people, and I’ve heard him threaten others, but never with a look in his eyes like that… It scared me Lom… and it saddens me to think that someone like Heyes could be reduced to that."
Lom nodded thoughtfully. He believed Curry. He had to. He might have a special kinship with Heyes over some things, but in others they were poles apart, and Heyes was good at hiding his feelings when it suited him to do so. Curry had known him all his life, lived through every kind of situation with him - death, hardship, illness, injury. There was no expression he wouldn’t recognize.
The question was, would Heyes’ feelings fade as his mental pain subsided? As Curry had said, it would mean the end of their chance for an amnesty if either of them killed anyone, jail, and death, for Heyes if he were caught, and probably for Curry too.
And supposing Heyes were to kill Felton, or anyone else for that matter, would he be able to live with it afterwards? He would very likely find the act wouldn’t bring any satisfaction. He would most likely be wracked with guilt. And then what would he do?
Lom sighed, "Come on, we’d better try and get some sleep. It’ll be light soon."
"Yeah."
They stood up.
"Don’t worry, Kid." Lom slapped his shoulder, "I’m sure things’ll work themselves out."
​
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