"Easier said than done." said Heyes, "O.K, so I’m in the clear. No-one knows who did it, except you two … but, I know, and… I hate myself for it." He shook his head, lifting a hand to cover his eyes, as though trying to erase the memory. After several moments he said, "I would rather have shot him… but then I might have been heard, and caught, and then the Kid could have been dragged into it, even you." He sighed, "So I chose the next best method… one that I knew would be quick, and sure." His face paled at the memory, "It’s a terrible way to kill someone… so gory…" He broke off as memories of the same thing happening to his parents pushed their way into his mind. He closed his eyes, trying to blot them out. Presently, he opened them and said, "Afterwards… I wished to God I hadn’t done it… but, at the same time, I was relieved, glad even, that he was gone… and I hated myself for that too. God…" he raked his hands through his hair, "…I’m so confused." He sighed heavily.

"Did you fake the stomach ache as an excuse to get away from me?" asked Lom, "That was when you did it?"

An ironic smile touched the corners of Heyes’ mouth, "I think that was judgement on me. I deliberately over-ate, intending to fake it, but I really did feel ill afterwards, although not quite as much as I made out to you." He paused briefly, "But the next day was genuine." he continued, "I felt lousy, partly because of over-eating, but… mostly because of what I’d done… Watching you eating…" he closed his eyes, remembering how the juicy tomatoes on Lom’s plate had reminded him of Felton’s blood on his hands. He shuddered, "I’ve felt sick ever since… sick with guilt… and shame." He bowed his head, shaking it.

"Don’t be ashamed, Heyes. If it had been me, or the Kid, we’d have probably done the same thing. I know I told you that you were wrong when you tried to kill him the first time, but that was the lawman in me talking. I was worried about you getting caught and going to the gallows and possibly taking the Kid with you. I hoped, if I gave you a real going over, you’d think twice before trying it again."

"You almost succeeded." said Heyes, "You really made me feel bad... that day in the jail"

"I’m sorry I was so hard on you." said Lom, "But I only did it for your own good."

Heyes nodded, "I know." he said quietly.

Presently, Lom said, "You’ve handled everything so well until now. What was it that… you know… upset you?"

Heyes sighed, "I saw the look in your eyes… when you found out about Felton." he said hoarsely, "You already suspected I’d done it, even before you asked me."

"I…" began Lom, but Heyes held up his hand to stop him.

"I can’t blame you. Even if I hadn’t been guilty, it did look suspicious. I knew that. But," he shrugged,  "even though I expected to be suspected if anything happened to him… it still hurt…" he trailed off momentarily, lost in thought, a sad look in his eyes. Then, sighing, "I realized I’d have to live with that suspicion for ever. Even if I said I hadn’t killed him and it had been true, you would never quite have believed me, not after everything that had happened. That realization hit me hard."

Lom bowed his head, knowing Heyes was right.

"I thought I could hide it, bluff it out, so no-one would ever know for sure, but…" he paused, "…when the Kid asked me… he saw it in my eyes." He sighed, "When I saw the look in his eyes… shock… horror… disgust… I just couldn’t handle it. Not on top of everything else… I couldn’t bear you both knowing what I’d done… I was so ashamed… I just wanted an end to it, once and for all." he said, his voice breaking, "It’s only fair after all… a life for a life…" He broke off, turning away from Lom, his eyes tortured.

"It didn’t occur to the Kid that you might have done it until I put the idea into his head." Lom told him, "And even then, I don’t think he really believed it. He has a lot of faith in you. More than I did, I’m sorry to say."

Why be sorry? You were right and he was wrong."

I’m still sorry… you know… for doubting you…" said Lom.

"I could have made you believe I was innocent," said Heyes, "and the Kid too… if I’d lied… I’m a good liar… After all, it’s our way of life isn’t it?" he said bitterly, "We even lie about who we are." He sighed, "I didn’t want to lie… not to you two… Our friendship is the only honest thing in my life… I didn’t want to… soil it… with lies… so I said nothing."

Lom nodded, "Well, it makes no difference to us. The Kid wasn’t horrified, just surprised I think. He believed you’d got it all out of your system after you shot him. He wants you to put it behind you, and to carry on trying for the amnesty."

Heyes frowned, "I can’t even think about that right now. I don’t feel fit to qualify for it."

"Come on, Heyes. You’re as fit for it as I am, and I got one didn’t I? And now I shoot people for a living, and get paid for it. Funny ol’ world aint it?" he nudged Heyes and gave him a wry smile, trying to lift his spirits.

A ghost of a smile touched the corners of Heyes mouth, but then his expression became tortured once more.

"But that’s the whole point." he said gruffly, "You don’t have to feel guilty for killing anyone, because you’re representing the law... What I did… was… murder… cold blooded murder…" he broke off, closing his eyes and shaking his head in despair and Lom instantly regretted the joke.

Presently, Heyes gave a deep sigh, "I don’t know how to deal with all of this." he said in a defeated voice, "Or how I’m going to live with it..."

"That’ll take some time." said Lom, "But we’re here for you. We’ll help you any way we can.

"Thanks." Heyes gave him a watery smile, "I don’t deserve friends like you."

"Yes you do. Now, come on, talk some more. Let’s have it all, everything that’s bothering you."

Heyes sighed, "I still feel bad about what happened to the Kid."

"That was an accident. He’s forgotten about it already."

"But he could have died. I was so blinded by hatred, I didn’t think about him."

"But he didn’t die." said Lom with a sigh, "Why torture yourself about what could have happened? He didn’t die, and he’s well on the way to recovery, although you knocked him back a bit, struggling with you."

"I’m sorry."

"Don’t be. You didn’t know what you were doing. And again, do you think he’d have gone to so much trouble to help you if he thought you were such an awful person?"

Heyes thought for a moment, remembering all the things he’d done for him. Rescuing him from Felton and then dragging him out of the saloon the night he’d seen him there. Even though Heyes had argued and fought against him, the Kid wouldn’t give up. Then he’d tried to stop him killing Felton and almost got killed himself. Heyes was amazed at the depth of his loyalty.

"I guess not." he said finally.

"Well then." said Lom.

"He always was a lousy judge of character." Heyes made a feeble attempt at a joke.

"Heyes!" Lom reproached him.

"Sorry." muttered Heyes, "Seriously, he didn’t do a bad job on my hand. It’s really throbbing this morning. He doesn’t know his own strength."

Lom grinned, "He knew about it afterwards. He had to spend the day in bed recovering."

Heyes smiled in spite of himself, "Is he O.K?"

"He will be, in a few days. Don’t worry about him. He’s fine. He’s more worried about you."

They sat for a moment in silence, before Lom asked, "What about what happened before? With Felton I mean. How do you feel about that, now he’s gone?"

Heyes sighed, "The same. Even now he’s gone… I still haven’t gotten over what he did to me… how it’s left me. I don’t know if I ever will… He hurt me real bad, Lom… and not just physically. I’m only just beginning to realize how much."

"Were you still having nightmares?"

"Occasionally." Heyes nodded, "But, as you said, they were getting less frequent… but, after this… who knows?"

Lom had no answer to that.

They sat in silence for some time. Finally, Lom said, "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

Heyes sighed and shook his head.

"So, are you gonna be O.K. now?"

Heyes shrugged, "You’re more qualified to answer that than me." He gave him a brief glance, "You tell me."

Lom studied him momentarily. His spirit had taken as severe a beating as his body these past months, yet he was still hanging in there, albeit by the skin of his teeth at the moment Lom suspected.

"It’ll take a while. But you’ll make it." He told him.

Heyes said nothing, staring vacantly into the little brook, his mind elsewhere.

"Don’t let it get to you, Heyes." Lom told him, "You were ill. Just as if you’d caught a chill, or pneumonia.  The brain is a muscle, just like any other. If you strain it, it stops working for a while. That’s what happened to you. You just had too many things happen for you to cope with. It’s nothing to be ashamed of."

Heyes didn’t reply, but sat, gazing ahead, deep in thought.

"It’s Felton’s fault." Lom continued, "Nobody else’s. Certainly not yours. You were the innocent victim."

"Not quite ‘innocent’." Heyes said, bowing his head and fiddling with the bandage on his hand, "I know what you’re trying to say Lom," he said presently, "but it doesn’t help. Not yet anyway. I guess… it’s something I’m just going to have to work out for myself."

Lom knew Heyes was right. They could tell him from now until Kingdom Come, but it was no good if Heyes didn’t believe it himself. He had to work his way through his feelings until he reached that conclusion on his own.

"Yeah, well, we’re here if you need any help." he told him, "Don’t be afraid to ask."

Heyes nodded slowly, "Thanks."

They fell silent one more. Eventually Lom asked, "Anything else you want to talk about?" wondering if he would talk about Josie. It was the only thing they hadn’t discussed. Indeed, he’d made no mention of it at all, not even in his confused state the previous day.

Heyes shook his head.

"Sure?" Lom prompted.

Heyes nodded.

Lom sighed. What had happened to Josie had scarred his emotions so deeply, he couldn’t bring himself to even think about it, let alone discuss it. She may only have been a prostitute, and, as such, didn’t rate very highly in most men’s list of sympathies, but that wouldn’t make any difference to Heyes. Despite his criminal background, he was, basically, an honest, caring man and, from his point of view, the death of another human being, and a woman too, albeit a prostitute, because of him, would be hard to live with, even without all the additional feelings of guilt he harboured about not having done enough to help her.