Thicker Than Water

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- 3 -

 

Heyes exited the hotel and, after dropping the envelope containing McCreedy’s documents off at the bank, went across the street to the restaurant, not because he was hungry - he was feeling hungover after his drinking session the previous night, plus he still felt sick to his stomach after walking in on Veronica and the Kid kissing, and couldn’t face the thought of food right now – but because he wanted somewhere quiet to think.

 

He sat down and the waitress came to take his order.

 

“Just coffee please.”

 

“Do you want to order any food?” the waitress enquired.

 

“Not right now.” Heyes replied, swallowing down the wave of nausea that washed over him at the mention of eating.

 

The waitress brought his coffee and departed

 

Heyes sat, hunched over his cup, lost in his thoughts.

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He’d really believed that he and Veronica had something special between them, something real. No other woman had ever made him feel the way she did, and he’d thought she felt the same way about him.  He remembered their last night together, when she’d clung to him and cried and told him she would miss him.  She’d seemed genuinely distraught about him leaving, and yet, in the ten days since he’d left, she’d taken up with the Kid and had looked perfectly happy as he’d opened the door to find them kissing in the parlour.  No doubt, if he hadn’t arrived just at that moment, they would shortly have been making love on that very same rug in front of the hearth where they had spent so many nights together.

 

Although he was angry at the Kid, if what he’d said about Veronica not telling him she’d been seeing him was true, then he couldn’t really lay any blame on him. Veronica was a beautiful woman, why wouldn’t the Kid make a play for her if he believed she was a free agent? But it was hard to acknowledge that she had dismissed him from her thoughts so quickly and easily to take up with him.  It made everything they’d shared seem shallow, inconsequential and duplicitous, and he didn’t see how he could ever trust her again.

 

It was with a heavy heart that he returned to the hotel two hours later.  He knew he should go to see Veronica, have it out with her but, in truth, he couldn’t face it.  Despite what had happened, he still felt the same about her and hadn’t worked out what to do next.

 

As he entered their hotel room, Curry turned sharply to look at him, his eyes questioning, wondering where he’d been and whether or not he’d seen Veronica.   He wanted words with her himself, but he thought Heyes should have first option on that. After all, he was the one who had been seeing her first.

 

Heyes took off his hat and dropped it on the dresser before sitting down on the bed, leaning forward to place his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together in front of him, his gaze fixed pensively on the threadbare carpet on the floor.

 

“Where’ve you been?” Curry asked quietly, the faint tremor in his voice displaying his nervousness.

 

Heyes shrugged, not looking at him,  “At the restaurant.” he muttered.

 

Curry eyed him.  The anger had gone out of him now, and he looked traumatized by the whole situation.

 

“Have you… seen Veronica?” he ventured.

 

Heyes shook his head, his gaze still fixed on the carpet.

 

Curry moved to sit down on the other bed, opposite him.

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“What happened Heyes?” he asked, eyeing him anxiously, “She told me it was over between you, but it’s obvious that’s not true.”

 

Heyes shrugged. Several moments later he said, “I met her the night you left for Silver City.  I was having trouble cutting up my dinner and she came over and helped me out.”  He sighed, “There was an… attraction… between us, right off.  We spent a lot of time together and… I was half hoping McCreedy had forgotten about the job he wanted doing, because I didn’t want to leave.”  He paused momentarily, remembering, “When I got McCreedy’s wire, I told her I had to leave town for a while. She didn’t take it very well.  I think she thought I’d just been using her… and that I was using the trip as an excuse to end it and let her down gently.” He sighed,  “I think she wanted me to make some sort of… commitment… to her… But, I can’t can I…?” he glanced briefly at Curry before returning his gaze to the carpet, “…not until we get this amnesty thing sorted.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to… but… I knew you’d be back soon, and we’d have to be leaving.  But I couldn’t tell her that… and I couldn’t tell her what she wanted to hear either… so… I said nothing.” He shrugged, “She obviously believed it meant I wasn’t going to come back.” He shook his head disgustedly,  “I know I should have ended it that night… it would have been better all round… but, I couldn’t bring myself to do it… I didn’t want to end it… So, when she asked if she’d see me when I got back… I said yes, but I could tell she thought I was lying.” 

 

Curry eyed him, contemplating his words.

 

Presently, Heyes said, “While I was away, I realised … how much I’d come to care for her… and that I wanted to spend more time with her… and I planned to talk to you, when I got back,  about maybe hanging around here a while… so we could see where it would go…” he trailed off, an anguished look in his eyes.

 

“She didn’t tell me any of this.” Curry said now, a pensive frown creasing his brow, “We met in the restaurant and got chatting.  She told me she was a widow. We kept running into each other and eventually I accepted her invitation for coffee.  Then she cooked me dinner.  She didn’t say anything about any other relationships she’d had until a few days later.  I’d… you know… made a move on her,” he flinched mentally at Heyes’ anguished look at his remark,  “…and she backed off.  The next day she apologised and said she’d been feeling fragile because she’d had a relationship that hadn’t worked out.  But she didn’t mention any names and when I asked her what happened she said she didn’t want to talk about it, that she was trying to put it behind her. She didn’t give me any reason to think that it mattered to her anymore.  It was only when you walked in and I saw yours and her expressions that I realised it was you she’d been seeing.” He sighed, “I was angry with her, because I felt… used, and I felt embarrassed… because it was obvious that there was… unfinished business between you two.”

 

Heyes grunted cynically, “It was obviously finished as far as she was concerned.” he said bitterly.

 

Curry sat studying him. Heyes had fallen for a lot of women over the years, but he’d never spoken about any of them the way he’d just spoken about Veronica.  Presently, he said quietly, “Do you love her?”

 

It was several moments before Heyes, his gaze still fixed on the carpet, said, “I’m not sure what that word means, but… if it’s wanting to be with someone… of thinking of them every minute you’re not with them… of feeling like your guts have been ripped out when something like this happens... then, yes… I think so.” causing Curry’s heart to sink. Heyes had first claim to her. How could he protest now about his own feelings for her when it was he himself that was the cause of this mess.

 

“What are you going to do?” he asked presently.

 

Heyes sighed, “I don’t know.” he croaked, “How can we have any future now? If we ever could have.” he added bitterly, in reference to their long overdue amnesty deal.  He sighed deeply,  “How can I trust her again, knowing how easily she put me out of her mind to take up with someone else?”  He was careful not to say ‘with you’ to him.  It could just as easily have been a total stranger that she’d been seeing.  It wasn’t the Kid’s fault that it happened to be him, “I thought we had something special… Obviously I was wrong.”

 

Curry said nothing.

 

Presently, Heyes looked at him.

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“What about you?” he asked.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You told me you care for her too.  What are you going to do?”

 

Curry lifted his shoulders in a helpless shrug, “I don’t know.” he said quietly, looking at the floor,  After a moment he added, “That depends on you.”

 

Heyes eyed him momentarily before giving a deep sigh and getting to his feet, crossing to pick up his hat from the dresser.

 

Curry looked up at him.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

Heyes opened the door and then turned to look at him.

 

“To see Veronica.” he said quietly, before going out and closing the door.

 

*    *    *

 

 

When she heard the knock at her front door, Veronica guessed it would be either Thaddeus or Joshua.  She wasn’t sure which one of them she wanted it to be, or even if she wanted it to be either of them.

 

She had been totally shocked to see Joshua the previous evening, having believed that he had gone for good when he left on his trip.  A small part of her had been overjoyed to see him again, it proved that he had meant what he’d said to her and hadn’t just been using her for a good time. But that feeling of joy had been overshadowed by her new found feelings for Thaddeus, and destroyed by Joshua’s hostile reaction and the discovery that is was his friend that she had been seeing in his absence, which she knew must make her seem like only one step above a prostitute in their eyes.

 

She walked slowly towards the front door, taking a deep breath before she opened it, not sure whether to be happy at the way her heart leapt when she saw Joshua on the doorstep, or sad at the knowledge that despite her feelings for Thaddeus, Joshua still had the power to stir her very soul.

 

“Joshua.” she said quietly, trembling slightly under his penetrating gaze.  She noted the bruise on his cheek and his split lip, and hoped he hadn’t got it fighting with Thaddeus.  He looked tired and jaded and she felt guilty for being the cause of it all.

 

“May I come in?” asked Heyes, his tone clipped.

 

Veronica nodded and stepped aside to allow him entry.  She closed the door and he followed her along the hall to the parlour where she turned to face him.

 

“What happened to you?” she asked, indicating his bruised face.

 

“I got into a fight in the saloon.” Heyes said bleakly.

 

Veronica nodded.

 

“Why, Veronica?” Heyes blurted out now, “Why did you do it?”

 

Veronica lowered her gaze, “I didn’t know Thaddeus was your friend. I…”

 

“I’m not talking about Thaddeus.” Heyes spoke over her,  “It could just as easily have been a total stranger that you hooked up with. I’m talking about us.  Why you betrayed us?  I thought we had something special?  I told you I’d be back.  I was only gone just over a week for God’s sake. Wasn’t I worth the wait?”

 

Veronica looked at him now. “Yes, you were,” she told him, “If I’d believed you really intended to come back. But I didn’t.   When I asked you if you were coming back, you hesitated and there was something in your face that told me you weren’t being totally honest.  I thought you were just trying to avoid telling me it was over, and that after you left I’d never see you again.”

 

Heyes said nothing, knowing that she was right about him not being honest with her, although her analogy wasn’t quite accurate.  He had hesitated, not because he’d wanted to finish it, but because he’d known that he should finish it. But he hadn’t been able to bring himself to say it because he hadn’t wanted it to end, even though, somewhere deep down inside, he’d known that, when he came back, sooner or later they would be here, now, arguing, maybe not over her two-timing him, but because he would be telling her he had to leave, no matter how much he might have wanted to stay.

 

“I’m sorry, Joshua. I didn’t intend to get involved with Thaddeus.” she told him now, “We met in the restaurant and we kept bumping into each other, and over the next few days, we grew closer and closer.  If I’d known for sure you were coming back, I would never have let myself get involved with him.  But I didn’t.” She shook her head forlornly,  “If only you’d said something about how you felt.”

 

“I couldn’t.” muttered Heyes, his gaze fixed on the floor. “It’s not that I--” he began, then broke off abruptly, realising that he’d been about to confess the real reasons why he hadn’t said anything.  He lifted his gaze to hers now,  “I didn’t realise how much you’d come to mean to me until after I’d left.” he rephrased the words.  He couldn’t risk telling her why he’d been unwilling to make any commitments to her.

 

“Oh, Joshua…” Veronica stepped towards him, her palms pressed against his chest as she tilted her face up and gently kissed him.

 

With a groan, Heyes wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tightly to him as he returned her kiss, all of his misgivings temporarily forgotten as he once again fell under her spell.

 

Before they realised it, they were undressing each other and making love on the rug in front of the hearth, taking each other to heights that neither had ever reached with anyone else, both crying out in unison as they reached the climax of their passion.

 

Afterwards, as they lay, sated, in each others arms, Curry's words suddenly came into Heyes’ mind; ‘I care for her too’  and he was full of remorse for having allowed his passions to get the better of him and further complicating the situation.  As he thought again about what Curry had said, the resentment he’d felt about Veronica taking up with him so easily after he’d left for Alamogordo once again rose up in him, along with anger that she had not only two timed him, but now Curry as well and he let go of Veronica and sat up, putting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands.

 

“Joshua?” Veronica eyed him anxiously.

 

Heyes gave a frustrated sigh, “We shouldn’t have done this.” he ground out through his hands.

 

“Why?” Veronica sat up now.

 

Heyes dropped his hands to hang limply between his knees, his gaze fixed on the window,  “Because it’s not just ‘us’ now, is it?  There’s Thaddeus too.”

 

Veronica’s mouth formed an ‘O’.  In the heat of the moment, she had forgotten about Thaddeus.  She too gazed vacantly out of the window, feeling guilty at how easily Joshua had put him out of her mind. 

 

“He cares for you.” Heyes looked at her now.

 

Veronica lowered her gaze,  “I care for him too.” she said quietly.

 

Anger flared briefly in Heyes’ dark eyes, “It looks like it.” he said harshly.

 

“I do. Truly.” Veronica protested, thinking back over the time they’d spent together.

 

“Then why are we here, now?” demanded Heyes. When she made no reply he said, “I thought we had something special between us?”

 

“We do.” nodded Veronica.

 

“How can that be?” Heyes said darkly, “If what we have is so ‘special’ why were you so quick to take up with him?”

 

“I wasn’t ‘quick’ to take up with him.” retorted Veronica.

 

“Quick enough” Heyes said bitterly.

 

“It wasn’t intentional.” said Veronica,  “We became friendly.  He’s… funny… and kind… and gentle… and he makes me feel… wanted… safe… cherished.” She sighed,  “You don’t know what that feels like after five years of living on my own.” She shook her head sadly,  “I can’t help but care for him.”

 

“And me?” Heyes looked at her now.

 

Veronica looked up at him, tears in her eyes.

 

“I care for you too.” she said quietly.

 

“More? Or less?” Heyes’ voice was hoarse as he asked the question.

 

Veronica bowed her head, shaking it, “Please, don’t ask me that Joshua. I don’t want to hurt either of you.”

 

“You already did.” snapped Heyes.

 

Veronica sighed deeply.  Eventually she said, “I care for you both in different ways. Thaddeus is kind, and gentle… steady… he makes me feel safe.  He reminds me a lot of Henry.”

 

“And me?” whispered Heyes.

 

Veronica looked at him. “You’re kind and gentle too” she began, “…and clever… and witty… and when we’re together, you make me feel… wild… reckless… you make me feel… alive.”  She reached up a hand and stroked the back of it down his cheek,  “You’re both like… two sides of the same coin.” she said.

 

It was several moments before Heyes managed to say, “And if you had to choose?”

 

Veronica’s gaze slid off him as she contemplated his question. She cared for Joshua a great deal, and if she hadn’t met Thaddeus she would have jumped at the chance to be with him, settle down with him maybe.  But she had met Thaddeus, and now she didn’t want to lose, or hurt, either of them.  If a choice had to be made, they would have to make it.  She couldn’t.

 

Presently she lowered her eyes and said, “Don’t ask me to do that, Joshua.  I can’t.  I don’t want to let either of you go.”

 

Heyes stared at her, crushed by her reply.  He had wanted her choose him, even though he felt guilty for it, because, if she had, the Kid would be the one left feeling like he felt now and he didn’t want him to be hurt.  He’d had enough hurt in his life already. But the fact that she hadn’t chosen him cut Heyes to the bone because he knew now that it was over.  As much as he was desperate to go on seeing her, there was no point.  She cared for him, yes, but not in the same way as he did her.  Had she chosen him, Heyes would, he realised now, have been prepared to give up everything to be with her, even his friendship with the Kid, and that was no light undertaking, and he was bitterly disappointed that, while she had insisted that they did indeed have something ‘special’ between them, it wasn’t special enough that she was prepared to cast the Kid aside for him.

 

He turned away from her, swallowing hard, and got up to dress before she could read his expression.

 

“I’m sorry, Joshua.” Veronica said to his back as he tucked his shirt in his pants, only fastening a couple of the buttons in his hurry to be gone, before picking up his jacket and hat and then turning to face her, his face set.

 

“So am I.” he muttered.

 

“Wh-what are you going to do?” Veronica stammered, her eyes full of anguish.

 

Heyes studied her for a moment, before saying, hoarsely, “I don’t know. I need some time to think.”

 

“I do care for you, Joshua.” Veronica said quietly, her eyes pleading with his for forgiveness.

 

Heyes gave an almost imperceptible nod. “I know.” he said gruffly, ‘But not enough’  the thought echoed in his head,  before he turned and left the house.

 

*    *    *

 

Heyes headed back into town, his mind in turmoil.  He needed some time to think things through.  He headed to the livery where he saddled up his horse and headed out of town, in no particular direction, just away.  He left town at a slow trot, which then turned into a canter and then a full gallop as he gave the horse it’s head and just let it run, flat out, bent low over the animal’s neck, his body seeming almost part of the horse’s as it moved with it’s rhythm, man and beast in perfect harmony.  He let it run for several miles, part of him wanting to flee from the anguish back in town, another part of him enjoying the freedom of the ride.

 

Eventually, he slowed the horse to a walk and pulled up alongside a narrow stream.  He left the horse to drink and seated himself in the shade of a petrified tree, drawing his knees up in front of him and folding his arms about them, absently watching the horse as it drank, his mind elsewhere.

 

He was disconsolate at what had happened with Veronica.  He still felt the same way about her, still wanted to be with her, but he knew there was nowhere for their relationship to go.  It was coincidental that it had been Curry she had taken up with.  It could just as easily have been a total stranger. But the fact remained that she had taken up with someone else little more than a week after he’d left.  If she had felt as strongly about him as he did about her, she couldn’t have done that.  And if she’d done it once, she would probably do it again and he couldn’t handle that.  He didn’t doubt her when she said she cared for him, but she didn’t care for him strongly enough to devote herself only to him, as her words about liking him and Curry equally, but in different ways, proved.  The question was, what to do next?  Curry had told him he cared for her too.  Heyes didn’t think it was wise for him to get any more involved with her because, eventually, he too would probably get hurt and he didn’t want him to get hurt.   He knew if he was honest with him about how he felt about her he wouldn’t have anything more to do with Veronica out of respect for him - which would probably be the best thing in the long run - but what right did he have to intervene, to spoil things for him too?  Veronica had told him she cared for him.  Maybe, if he was out of the picture,  their relationship might blossom, and Heyes didn’t think he had the right to deny him that opportunity, whatever the outcome, however painful it might be to himself. Curry was a grown man, even though Heyes still thought of him as the child he’d taken under his wing and looked after, after their parents’ brutal murders.  He was capable of making his own decisions and of handling their consequences, although Heyes didn’t know if he himself was.  Just thinking of him with her, in fact thinking of any man with her, made his stomach turn over.

 

He sat there for a couple of hours going over and over it in his head.  Eventually, as the sun began to skim the top of the distant mountains, he got wearily to his feet and, re-mounting the horse, headed back towards the town.

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